


"Ukyo Gets What She Deserves" [Lemon MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, Ranma 1/2
Genre: F/F, F/M, MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:53:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: Kuonji Ukyo has finally had enough of Ranma's refusal to love her and she decides to take drastic steps to rectify the situation. This includes kidnapping Ranma, (boy, there's been a lot of that in lemons, eh?), and drugging him into becoming a sex crazed loony so she can take his virginity and make tracks. But then her motivation goes all screwy and she begins talking to herself regularly about what to do. Meanwhile, Ranma has gone from a sex crazed loony into a tender loving fiance who's prone to sudden bursts of lust. This leads to more lemony scenes with Ranma's girl side and Ukyo. Oh, and did I mention the bear?





	1. Chapter 1

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 28: UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES PT. 1

(A Ranma 1/2 Lemon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Ukyo Gets What She Deserves" is the property of RVincent. He has  
given his approval for this MSTing of his work and I greatly  
appreciate it. ;)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and scenes of lemon. If you  
are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! 

* * *

DEEP 13

It was unusually quiet in the sub-basement of Deep 13 as  
TV's Frank strolled in from the kitchen, half-eaten sandwich in hand.  
He glanced at the floor to see a tray of tools and a pair of legs sticking  
out of an access port of a computer in the wall.

The wall-sized computer had once doubled as a lottery number  
picker and fortune teller but Dr. Forrester had somehow managed to  
rebuild it into a modified scanner that would monitor Joel's mind during  
the experiments and give its recommendations on which fanfics and  
movies to send him. These recommendations would then be filed away  
in Frank's file cabinets for later use.

Now, it seemed the computer, which Frank had decided to  
nickname 'Little Brother', was stuck in a feedback loop and Dr. Forrester  
had been working on it for hours trying to locate the problem. Frank had  
offered to help only to be harshly rebuffed and immediately sent on an  
errand. Shrugging, Frank walked over to the wall and leaned against it.

"So, Houston, do we have a problem or not?" Frank inquired as  
he took another bite out of his peanut butter and bacon sandwich on rye.

A muffled grunt combined with a muffled curse was the only  
response to the question before Dr. Clayton Forrester pulled himself out  
of the access port with his legs. "I thought I told you to get me a half-inch  
wrench!" Dr. Forrester spat at him, his face red with exertion and anger.

"Sorry, Steve, I looked all over Deep 13 but I couldn't... oh,  
here it is!" Frank exclaimed as he reached into the tool tray and slapped  
a half-inch wrench into Dr. Forrester's hand.

"Hmm... so it is." Dr. Forrester frowned as his eyes scanned the  
tool tray. "Ahh... but the tray doesn't have a three-eighths-inch wrench and  
I'll probably be needing one VERY soon. So why don't you shuffle off and  
find it for me?" Dr. Forrester suggested in a patronizing voice. 

"Aw, come on, isn't there anything I can do to help?" Frank  
pleaded.

"Yeah! You can beat it!" Dr. Forrester retorted as he slid back  
into the access port.

"Okay, I guess I'll just be going then." Frank replied as he turned  
to leave only to suddenly pause as an idea struck him, a thoughtful look  
washing over his face.

"Hey, Dr. F! I think I have an idea on how to fix 'Little Brother'!" Frank said excitedly.

Another muffled curse was Dr. Forrester's only reply as the sounds  
of tinkering continued unabated.

"No, really! I used to do this to fix the furnace in my old house all the time!  
You just take a hammer..." Frank reached into the tool tray and  
picked up a hammer. "Then you find the sweet spot..." Frank placed his  
ear against the wall and gently tapped it in several different places with his  
finger until he found what he was looking for. "Then, you tap the spot a  
few times with the hammer..." 

Frank brought the hammer up to the spot and struck it several  
times. "Frank, what are you doing?!?" The now alarmed voice of Dr.  
Forrester emerged from the access port. Abruptly, the computer began  
to make clicking noises and the ancient 8-track reels slowly began to  
turn again.

"Frank, NO!! I'm up to my wrists in wires and circuit boards!  
DON'T TURN ON THE MACHINE!!! DON'T TURN ON THE...  
AUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!" Dr. Forrester screamed in  
agony as the computer fully came back into operation, giving him a jolt  
that no overly-caffeinated cola could match. A few seconds later, the  
sounds of voltage running rampant faded as white smoke bellowed out  
from the access port.

"Oops, are you okay, Dr. F?" Frank asked, concerned. When  
there was no response, Frank knelt down, grabbed Dr. Forrester's legs  
and pulled him out of the access port. The smell of fried baloney drifted  
its way into Frank's nostrils as he grimaced at the sight of his employer.

Dr. Forrester's face was frozen in shock, his eyes and mouth wide open  
and his teeth clenched in pain. His singed hands were held up in  
front of him, sizzling slightly as wisps of smoke rose from them and his  
hair now bore a striking resemblance to Tina Turner's.

"Jeepers... looks like I fried him... what a terrible way to go-go..." Frank  
exclaimed in his best Adam West impression as he tenderly placed his fingertips  
against Dr. Forrester's eyelids and gently closed them. "Wow... I guess there's  
only one thing left to do now..." 

From out of nowhere, Beethoven's 9th Symphony began playing  
loudly in the background as Frank rose to his feet and assumed a pose of  
triumph, his sandwich still in hand.

"As of this moment, I, TV's Frank, hereby assume complete  
control of this rogue experiment and Deep 13! I will drape myself in  
green, continue Dr. F's work and receive all the perks of being top banana!  
Like big fluffy towels that I can wash AND use! My choice of 1 OR 2%  
milk with my cornflakes! 80s music playing twenty-four hours a day!"

Frank took a deep breath and sighed with pleasure. "Oh yeah, this is going to be sweETTTUUUGGHHH!!!" Frank croaked as a severely  
burned hand shot up from below and grabbed his throat. Another severely  
burned hand soon joined the first one, putting the big squeeze on his larynx  
while shaking him like a rag doll... 

* * * 

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Well, still no call from Gopher and Doc. Should we  
go back to the Holocabana or what?" Crow T. Robot inquired.

Joel shrugged. "It's not like Dr. F to just forget about the experiment.  
He's probably just putting the finishing touches on some new super secret  
evil invention to show me up this week..."

"Or maybe he left Frank in charge again and he decided to sleep in  
again?" Tom suggested.

Before Joel could reply, the viewscreen suddenly came to life to  
reveal Dr. Forrester. His hands were wrapped in bandages but appeared  
to be none the worse for wear. There was a muffled yelp of pain behind  
him as Frank's body struggled to pull his head out of the wall where Dr.  
Forrester had driven it completely through.

"Ah, Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup are here. Good. I'm  
afraid I've been preoccupied the last few hours so I haven't had time to  
do an invention this week..." Dr. Forrester began.

"Hey, what happened to Frank?" Joel interrupted.

"Oh, he's just brushing up on his ostrich impression... pay no  
attention to the man behind the scientist!" Dr. Forrester chuckled at his  
little joke before continuing. "Anyway, I'm just going to bow out gracefully  
from the invention exchange this week and give you the floor, Mole. Don't  
disappoint me now..." 

"Sure, I guess we can do it if you're not prepared and all." Joel  
replied with a shrug as he gestured at the counter where a VR headset sat.  
Tom cleared his throat as he began the presentation.

"Are you like Joel? If so, then you're probably just as sick and  
tired as he is of inflating movie ticket prices..."

"Yeah! It's bad enough that we have to sneak food into the theaters  
because we consider paying ten bucks for a SMALL soda and popcorn to be  
*somewhat* of a rip-off, but now even matinee ticket prices are skyrocketing!"  
Joel exclaimed.

"And since the only alternative right now is to sit in a $2 theater  
with a dinky screen, uncomfortable seats often containing individuals that  
chuck raisinettes at your head for sport, and a stereo system left over from  
the *Reagan* administration, Joel decided to invent a device that skips the  
whole going to the theater process ENTIRELY and lets you enjoy your  
favorite blockbusters from the comfort of your own home!" Crow added.

"Well, duh, Joel! What do you think VIDEOS and DVDs were  
invented for? Not to mention the movie channels, pay-per-view, cable TV,  
any of these things ring a bell?" Dr. Forrester remarked sarcastically.

"Oh sure, but this particular device, which I've decided to name the VHTX,  
the Virtual Home Theater eXperience, lets you relax at home and  
eat your reasonably priced food while virtually simulating the experience  
of being at an actual movie theater! Tell him all the features, Tom!" Joel  
replied.

"OK, Joel! Well, for starters, the VHTX can customize the  
audience around you to your liking. You want em loud and enthusiastic?  
You got it! You want it so quiet you can hear a pin drop? No problem!  
You want privacy to make out with your girlfriend? The theater is all  
yours! You want to watch others make out around you? Consider it done,  
you voyeuristic freak, you!" Tom said cheerfully.

"Yep, and just to clarify the point about the girlfriend, you can  
link your VHTX with others so that you can go to the virtual theater with  
your friends, lovers or family! And for those of you that find THX and  
Dolby Surround to be a little too loud for your tastes, you can easily adjust  
the volume to a level that won't have your eardrums bleeding profusely..."  
Joel added.

"But what about the theater itself, you ask? Well, you can  
customize practically EVERYTHING! Like the brightness level of the  
movie, the size and type of the theater screen, letterbox format or no  
letterbox format, sticky floors or no-sticky floors... heck, we've even  
included a mini game parody of paintball that lets you and your friends  
chuck virtual theater food at each other if the movie turns out to be a turd.  
Oh no! Incoming Twizzlers! Ahhhhh!" Crow wisecracked.

"And suffice it to say, with the VHTX, you'll never have to turn  
around in your seat and yell 'FOCUS, DAMN YOU! FOCUS!!!' ever  
again cause we've programmed the projectionist to be a bruiser that beats  
the living crap out of anyone who complains about that. I mean, come on!  
The guy's doing the best he can in there! It's not his fault if the projector  
goes out of focus once in a while! Give him a break! Oh, what? You think  
you know better than him? Come on, he doesn't sweat you! Take your best  
shot, wise guy! He'll bounce you like a bad check, man! He'll... mppph!" Joel  
clamped his hand over Tom's mouth, a sheepish expression on his face.

"Uh, what do you think, sirs?"

* * *

DEEP 13

"I think your robot friend needs to spend a little less time talking  
shop with Flashman..." Dr. Forrester smirked while winking to the  
camera. "But enough inside jokes... I've got a dilly of a pickle for you  
this week, Joel. It's a variation on a familiar lemon theme but with some  
rather unusual twists and a plot that would confuse a Twin Peaks fan.  
You'll be scratching your head for days after this one. Oh, did I mention  
it's in script format? Well, IT IS!! Send 'em the fanfic, Frank..."

Frank attempted to yank his head out from the wall but with  
no success. He ended up shrugging as Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes and  
went over to the filing cabinet. Fortunately, for him, Frank had left the  
experiment on top of the cabinet for a change and Dr. Forrester fed it  
into the machine.

"Yes, Deep 13 Productions in association with RVincent,  
proudly presents 'Ukyo Gets What She Deserves'! Or... does she?  
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! God, I love this job!" Dr. Forrester  
exclaimed cheerfully before cutting off thetransmission.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Looks like we're in for another long, hard ride, guys..."  
Tom noted.

"Yeah, really... please keep your hands and arms inside the  
fanfic at all times until the screaming comes to a screeching halt,"  
Crow remarked.

Joel chuckled. "Hey, we'll be okay. We've been through too  
many bad lemon fanfics to crumble now. Besides, we've endured bad  
Ukyo fics before, how much worse could this one be?"

Before Tom and Crow could point out the danger in asking  
such an ominous question, alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.

 

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you  
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his  
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater  
on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next  
to him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>Ukyo Gets What She Deserves

Tom: An apology from everyone that's written her out  
of character?

Crow: (chuckles) That'll take a while.

 

>By RVincent@aol.com  
>  
>Hey its me again. Most of my author's rant is  
>at the bottom so I'll keep it brief up here.

Tom: (Author) Just an obscene gesture or three, I promise.

 

>This fanfic like most of mine is a lemon. Do not read it if your age  
>falls into the catagory under 18.

Crow: Okay, I'll take thirty-something for three hundred, Alex.

 

>My e-mail address is above and at the bottom along with my web page  
>adderss

Joel: His web page has snakes?

Tom: I've heard of password protection but this is ridiculous!

 

>where you can read other fanfics from different series or more from  
>Ranma 1/2,  
>thank you and enjoy.  
>  
> <> = sounds or emotions  
> * = thoughts

Joel: Does that mean scene changes are a row of random thoughts?

Tom: No, that's an entirely different line of thinking. Thank you!

 

>The scene is late at night, the sky is clear and the moon hangs full above, 

Joel: [Usagi] SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!

 

>it seems as though it is midsummer and the weather is warm. Stars  
>shine brightly in the darkened sky bringing a sense of life to the dark  
>place. 

Crow: Ooooo... spooky.

Joel: [Shaggy] Yoinks! This place is too scary for me! Come on, Scoob,  
let's get back to the Mystery Van!

 

>The camera pans down to the Ucchan, its obvious that the place is  
>closed, there are no lights visible inside, the door is shut, and it appears  
>as though the place is deserted for the night. 

Tom: Welcome to another hilarious episode of Ucchan's Funniest Home  
Videos!

 

>Suddenly a light comes to life in the apartment above the Ucchan. The  
>camera focuses on it for a time then comes in for a closer look. 

Joel: Hmm... We got ourselves a real Alfred Hitchcock here.

Crow: More like a Roger Corman.

 

>From the window sounds are heard, ranging from low to the sounds  
>of chain and things being moved from time to time a sob would  
>punctuate a sound, causing the sound to seem all the more intense. 

Tom: Maybe Vincent Price should be narrating this?

 

>At last the camera moves effortlessly through the window and past the  
>shade blocking our view. We see Ukyo, she appears looking feverishly  
>for something, 

Crow: [Ukyo] Where'd I put that damn Aspirin!?

 

>her back is turned to us and she has her head in the closet. 

Tom: [Ukyo] All right! I've been looking for this for weeks! 

 

>To her immediate left we see a sports bag, inside are various  
>implements but we cannot make them out due to our distance.

Joel: Zoom lens! Try using them! 

 

>Finally she turns around, we see that her eyes are red and puffy and  
>she's crying.

Joel: [Ukyo] Waaaaah! Someone stole my jock straps!

Crow: [Ukyo] HOOOOOOONK! *sniff* Ohhhhhh... These damn  
allergies will be the death of me... AH... AH... AHCHOO! AHCHOO!!!

 

>Ukyo: Tonight I'll get what I deserve

Joel: [Ukyo] Hey, if the title of the story says it, it MUST be true!

 

>Ranma *sob* tonight you'll pay the price.

Tom: [Ukyo] $12.50! Including tax!

 

>She flings the sports bag over her left shoulder, the camera stays where  
>it is, it watches her exit. 

Crow: [camera] All right, let's zoom in a little bit on her butt... oh yeah...

 

>Once she leaves the room it pans to the right, on the nightstand by her  
>bed the clock reads 12:32. 

Joel: [camera] Hmm, it's getting late. Maybe I'll pop over to Shampoo's  
place and film her for a while...

 

>The camera backtracks out the window and descends toward the door  
>of Ucchan's, 

Tom: Did Cambot film this in his spare time?

Crow: [camera] *thump*... *thump*...

Joel: [director] Watch the doorknob! Don't ram the DOORKNOB!!

 

>the door fly's open, and out jogs Ukyo. 

Tom: [door] Ooops. Heh heh. *Zip* How embarrassing.

 

>She begins to head in the general direction of the Tendo Dojo, doing  
>a little roof hopping along the way. 

Tom and Joel: (singing) KICK YOUR KNEES UP! Kick your knees up!  
Step in time! Kick your knees up! Step in time!

Crow: [Ukyo] Hey, wait a minute... these roofs are on FIRE!!! Ouch!  
Ooh! Eee! Ooh! Owie! Ooh! Eee! Oww! Ooo! Eee! Ouch!

 

>The camera zooms in on Ukyo's face, its a mask of emotions, the only  
>dominating emotion though is sadness. 

Crow: All she needs now is the clown suit and she's ready for the opera.

 

>Suddenly we hear a voice out of nowhere; it sounds like Ukyo's but  
>has an echo effect.

Joel: [voice] Watch out for snakes!

Crow: [Ukyo] Oh great, I'm tripping. Last time I ever bum a bad cheese  
smoky off Konatsu...

 

>Ukyo: * After what I saw today, Akane and Ranma kissing behind that  
>building I have only one thing to do. 

Tom: [Ukyo] Snitch like a bitch and get em in trouble with the  
principal! Hee hee hee!

Joel: [Principal Kuno] Ey, fo' kissin' on school propahty, dose kiddies  
be cleanin' out de toilets, yeah!

 

>I cannot restore my honor through completing the engagement now,  
>it's obvious that he's chosen Akane over *sob* me. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Oh, woe is *sob* me!

 

>But there is one thing he can give me, I can take it from him and that  
>way Akane can't have it *sob*

Tom: [Ukyo] If Lorena Bobbit can do it, so can I! *sob*

 

>it's gonna be tough, and I don't wanna do it but I have ta, after this I  
>*sob* I....have to *sob* leave forever! *

Joel: Tonight, the role of Ukyo Kuonji will be played by Gabbo.

 

>Once again Ukyo breaks down crying, 

Tom: This story IS pretty sad so far.

 

>her vision is blurred but she and us see the Tendo Dojo up ahead.  
>Letting out one last anguished sob she steps up the pace and continues  
>running toward the dojo. She makes it to the edge of the nearest roof  
>and leaps off and amazingly lands atop the roof without making a sound. 

Tom: [Ukyo] Hey! What happened to my Foley? Audio, what's the  
problem here?!?

 

>She stays quite long enough to make sure the coast is clear, the camera  
>catches up with her, 

Crow: [camera] C-could you warn me... *wheeze* ...n-next time you  
decide to run away l-like that? *gasp*

 

>she looks from side to side, a worried expression on her face.

Tom: [Ukyo] Hey, where's all this bright sunlight coming from? Uh-oh!  
Did I wait a little TOO long for the coast to clear?

Joel: [Kasumi] Ukyo? Is that you up there? Would you like to join us  
for breakfast?

Tom: [Ukyo] D'oh!

 

>Ukyo:(in a low voice) Damn it, I thought that since it was such a nice  
>night Ranma would sleep out on the roof, this screws up everything. 

Crow: [Bela Lugosi] How unfortunate! This will complicate everything!

Joel: How long has she been studying his bedtime habits anyway?

 

>She walks over to the edge of the roof with deliberate cautiousness. She  
>removes the sports bag with a huff 

Joel: She should cut back on the aerosol cans.

 

>and sits it down by her side, she grabs the edge of the roof, and in one  
>swift motion allows herself to drop. The camera spins around so it  
>facing her back. She's hanging from the edge starring into the window  
>directly in front of her. 

Crow: Suddenly we're playing a Tomb Raider game.

Tom: Ukyo Kuonji *IS* Lara Croft!

 

>She was in luck, the window was open, just a little, but enough, she  
>reached out with her right hand and opened the window to several  
>times its original size. 

Crow: ...ripping a gigantic hole in the side of the house.

Tom: [Ukyo, sighing] Of all the cursed springs to fall into... why did  
it have to be the spring of drowned She-Hulk?!?

 

>She jumped inside and landed quietly on the floor. She looks toward  
>the floor, on it lay the sleeping forms of two things. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Ack! Cockroaches! *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*

 

>One appears to be a giant panda, and the other a teenage boy. 

Joel: Gee, I wonder who THEY could be?

Crow: Refugees from 'The Great Panda Escape'?

 

>She reaches down and scoops up the boy in her arms with little or no  
>effort. She walks once again toward the window and takes a glance  
>back.

Tom: [Ukyo] Hmmm... should I take the panda? Nahhh, not worth  
the trouble...

 

>Ukyo: * It's a good thing that I cooked that sleep spice into the  
>Okonomoyaki Ranma ate for dinner, although he usually sleeps like a  
>log I didn't want to risk it. 

Crow: [Ukyo] I'd much rather have him sleeping like a baby.

 

>At least there aren't any worries about waking Genma up.*  
>  
>Genma's form suddenly rises from where it's laying. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Get me! I'm a victim of coicumstance! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

 

>A startled Ukyo eeps and jumps out the window. The form of Genma  
>then rolls over as thought nothing happened. 

Tom: [Genma] Fear not, boy! I sleep to squelch my laziness and also  
in the name of PEACE! ZZZZZZzzzzzzz...

 

>The camera leaves the room and heads toward Ukyo who is lying on  
>the ground she appears unhurt and Ranma still seems to be sleeping. 

Crow: COPS is filmed on location in Nerima, Japan!

 

>She lays Ranma down on the ground and jumps onto the roof out of  
>sight. 

Tom: Now THAT'S what I call a quickie.

Crow: [Rodeo Announcer] Time on that lay, please? Time?

 

>A few seconds later she jumps back down, her sports bag once  
>again slung over her shoulder. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Whew! Almost forgot my Gatorade!

 

>She retrieves Ranma and with a sudden burst of energy jumps up in the  
>air and clears the wall of the Tendo Dojo. 

Joel: [prison guard] Prisoner over the wall! Sound the alarm!

Crow and Tom: (imitates the sound of dogs barking)

 

>She starts to roof hop toward the west, she hazards a peek at her watch,  
>the camera zooms in revealing the time to be 12:52. 

Tom: [Ukyo] I've got to have him back by 6:00 or they'll charge me for  
an extra day!

 

>The moon provides Ukyo with light on her trip to an unknown place.  
>She leaps one final time landing on the ground, she has left the city,  
>sights flash before our eyes, of forests and lakes and mountains. 

Crow: She can fly! She can fly! She can... fly?

Joel: Maybe she hitched a ride with Falkor and Atreyu?

Tom: [Ukyo] YAHOO!!!

 

>Finally out view centers on a cabin, in the background you can see no  
>city at all not even lights.

Crow: Oh great, now we're in Evil Dead.

Joel: Heh, maybe Ukyo's got the Necronomicon in that sports bag?

 

>Ukyo: Finally I made it.

Tom: [Ukyo] Now what were those words again? Klaatu... barada...  
nik... nik... NUTS!!!

 

>She looks at her watch, the time now reading 2:23, she looks down at  
>Ranma in her arms, although she cannot get mad at him her conviction  
>is no less, her plan was going to work out. 

Crow: So, let's recap... Ukyo drugged Ranma without his knowledge, then  
broke into his house -- doing considerable property damage, I might add  
\-- and kidnapped him? And this is her way of restoring honor?!?

Tom: It makes perfect sense if you're one of her fanboys, Crow.

 

>She sits him down and the sports bag, searching though the bag she  
>pulls out a set of keys, quickly moving to the door she opens it.  
>She takes a moment to look inside, the place is well lit and it looks  
>like its made entirely out of wood, there's a kitchen, what looks like  
>a bathroom and bedroom area, a living room and more doors to the  
>back, possibly a utility room. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Wow, I didn't bother to check this place before, but  
I got myself a pretty sweet deal here! 

 

>She puts the keys on a rack by the door, turns around, scoops up  
>Ranma and the sports bag, and heads back inside, closing the door  
>behind her. 

Joel: Maybe Genma hired Ukyo as a personal trainer for Ranma?

Tom: [Ukyo] Food is for ze weak! Ranma Saotome, I VILL BREAK  
YOU!

 

>She hauls Ranma over to the bead and sits him on it, 

Crow: Ukyo dragged him all the way to New Orleans?

Tom: No, no, no! You're supposed to THROW the bead to get  
him to take his top off!

 

>she is obviously tired from the tip but does not appear to need a break  
>soon. She sits the bag on the side of the bed and opens the zipper. 

Crow: Already? Boy, she doesn't waste time, does she?

 

>The only thing visible on the inside is chain, and lots of it, the amount  
>of chain Mousse uses in most of his fights. She glances at Ranma one  
>more time, she begins to doubt herself but thinks back to the kiss that  
>she seen in the alley behind the building. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Hokay, I'm all good and pissed again.

 

>Now with renewed effort she pulls a chain out of the bag. She takes  
>one end and ties it to the end of one post of the bed its constructed  
>out of thick wood and appears very sturdy. She takes the other end of  
>the chain and pulls it taught, she then locks it onto Ranma's ankle and  
>pulls it with all her might to test that it's firmly in place. She copies  
>this act and ties down both of his arms and his legs. 

Tom: Well, that's ONE way to tie someone down to a relationship.

 

>She turned to the side of the bed again and pulled a small pouch out  
>of the bag.

Crow: [Ukyo] Let me just dip into my opium here...

 

>Ukyo: * Shampoo probably thinks that this was destroyed. She comes  
>into my work bragging about this new potion that her great-grandmother  
>made her out of secret Chinese herbs. How she was going to use it to get  
>Ranchan.

Crow: Boy, there's NOTHING that Chinese herbs can't accomplish in  
fanfiction, eh?

Tom: So not only did Shampoo show a considerable lack of intelligence  
by telling Ukyo of her evil plan without expecting resistance but she  
actually SOUGHT after Ukyo to brag about it? Even Ranma isn't THAT  
overconfident!

 

>She expected me to just sit there and listen to it, she was wrong. I fought  
>and fought, and fought 

Tom: [Ukyo]...to keep from losing consciousness after Shampoo beat  
the living crap out of me.

Crow: Yeah, float like a elephant, sting like a sloth, Ucchan!

 

>till I couldn't fight anymore, and I managed to drive her off. But she  
>left behind this, and now its mine, and I'll use it to get Ranchan, if  
>just for one night. 

Tom: [Ukyo] Yes, I fought with honor and valor to prevent Shampoo  
from misusing this potion... so *I* could be the one to misuse it!  
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

>She said all of Ranchan's emotions would be magnified by ten and that  
>base emotions such as lust would rule over other more logical emotions. 

Crow: ...that were apparently lost on the vengeful Ukyo as well.

 

>I just hope this works, I only have twenty-four hours anyway before it  
>wears off. 

Joel: [Ukyo] And if it doesn't work, I can always try using it in my  
okonomiyaki recipes...

 

>* Bottoms up Ranchan.

Tom: [Ranma] I can't! You chained me down, remember?

 

>Ukyo lifted the package to his lips, clamped his nostrils shut, and  
>tipped the package vertical, spilling its contents in his mouth. Even  
>in his near unconscious state his face managed a grimace as the liquid  
>slid down. 

Crow: Wouldn't he instinctively spit it back out if it tasted bad?

Joel: Nah, he's probably tasted a lot worse than that from Akane's  
cooking.

 

>She took a pair of scissors out of her bag now, she went to one of his  
>pant legs and began cutting upward, removing his pants, then his shirt,  
>but leaving him in his boxers. 

Tom: [Ukyo] Awww... Little hearts! Kawaii!

 

>Ukyo watched intently, every now and then he would twitch or something  
>but nothing really happened.

Crow: [Ukyo] Secret Chinese Herbs, my BUTT! I knew I should've  
stuck with the Spanish Fly!

 

>After a few minuets she once again reached for her bag, she pulled a  
>vial out, and held it to his nose. His eyes shot open and he pulled at his  
>restraints his eyes darted around but he could see no one in his field of  
>vision.  
>  
>Ranma: Who are you , what do you want, you better let me go or  
>you'll be sorry!  
>  
>Ukyo: * Wow he seems really angry 

Crow: Gee, I wonder why?

Tom: (giggles)

 

>I wonder if the potion is doing this * 

Joel: Yeah, the potion gives him one fleeting moment of logical thought  
before the lemon frame of mind takes over.

 

>Sorry Ranchan, your the only one that's gonna be sorry voice picking  
>up a little tonight I settle the score once and for all!

Tom: [Ukyo] Dammit! I thought I told the director no vocal cues... but  
does he listen? Argh!

 

>Ukyo walked into view of Ranma, and Ukyo seen something in Ranma's  
>face she had never seen in Ranma's face. 

Crow: Ranma's acne.

 

>Complete absolute fear, not the crazed fear he got during the cat fist,  
>but the look a man get when he knows that he's going to die. 

Tom: Characterizationally speaking, of course.

Joel: Is that a real word?

 

>Because of this Ukyo decided to quickly go to plan B. 

Crow: Turn Ranma loose and apologize profusely while claiming  
temporary insanity with the slim hope that Ranma would see how  
deeply you were hurt by what you witnessed between him and Akane  
and perhaps give him something to think about?

Joel: No, that's plan G.

Crow: Ah.

 

>She reached behind her and in two quick pulls she was standing there  
>in nothing but her underwear. 

Tom: Ukyo apparently buys her clothes from a Magic shop.

 

>Ranma went from frightened to indecisive to lustful in a fraction of  
>a second, 

Joel: Forget mood swings, that was a mood blur!

 

>the potion was working well. Ranma leered at her with undisguised  
>desire. She sat on the edge of the bed and Ranma once again began  
>pulling at his chains.

Tom: [Ukyo] You yanking my chains, Ranma?

 

>Ukyo: Now Ranma, here is where I get what you owe me. *pause*  
>You took something that can never be replaced and your father made  
>a promise that can never be fulfilled.  
>  
>Now I'm going to take something from you that can never be replaced. >*pause*You're.....You're...*pause* your virginity. * Now lets see what  
>he has to say..........

Tom: *pause*

Joel: *stop/eject*

Crow: *magnet*

 

>he's, he's just sitting there, this is the part where he's supposed to get  
>all defensive and argue with me, and I tell him that it doesn't matter  
>and I'll take it anyway. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Boy, life's so much easier now that I've thrown away all  
my morals and ethics! And come to think to it, I don't really need these  
feelings of guilt or remorse either! They were holding me back anyway!  
Just toss 'em in the trash!

 

>But he's just sitting th.......wait a second the potion, how could I forget,  
>none of that matters to him right now, all he wants is my body. *

Crow: [Ukyo] *Like, DUH, Ukyo! You turned him into a sexually  
frustrated vegetable, remember? I swear you'd forget your head if you  
didn't keep it in the closet...*

 

>She stood up from her corner and walked over to the side of the bed.  
>Ranma was frantically pulling at the chains and grunting, trying to  
>get release. Ukyo was unsure of how to begin, sure she knew how to  
>'do it' 

Crow: [Ukyo] Heck, don't all women?

 

>but she didn't know how to start with Ranma all excited like this. 

Joel: I would think it would make it considerably easier for Ukyo, since  
getting REVENGE is supposed to be her primary motive for doing this...

 

>Her hands were shaking, her palms were clammy, and she wasn't really  
>sure if she wanted to go through with it, 

Crow: Look familiar, Joel?

Joel: Now that you mention... Hey!

Tom: But a quick mental flashback of Ranma and Akane kissing and  
she was raring to go again!

 

>again she reflected on her course of action and decided for the last time  
>she was doing the only thing that she could. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Apologizing, sharing your feelings, talking it out... ALL  
WRONG! Rape and kidnap, that's the way to go!

 

>She reached up and put her hand on his chin and pulled him into a kiss.  
>He was like a vacuum cleaner, he practically sucked her lips off before  
>pulling herself off him.

Joel: [Ukyo] Cripes, one more kiss like that and I'll look like Angelina Jolie!

 

>Ukyo: Well, I guess you're ready Ranma, here I come!

All: (singing) She's a man eater! 

 

>She Jumped up on the bed and straddled his midsection and thrust her  
>hips foreword. Even through the cotton of his boxers and her panties  
>the sensation was great. She moved back and fourth with her hips while  
>sliding her hands along his chest, leaving little red streaks as she went. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Eeeugh! What's this stuff all over my hands?!?

Tom: I've heard of drawing blood in bed but peeling skin?

Crow: Maybe it's symbolism?

Tom: Looks more like AB+

 

>After only a few strokes back and fourth she decided that she was ready.  
>She backed up off the bed and looked at Ranma, he was filled with a  
>sense of loss, just looking at his pathetic face could have made almost  
>anyone cry, 

All: BUT...

 

>but Ukyo threw out her hand and in one quick motion ripped off his  
>boxers leaving him naked as the day he was born. She removed her  
>underwear as well and jumped back on the bed making it bounce 

Crow: Yes, it's new bouncy undies! The perfect gift for the trampoline  
fetishist!

 

>Once again Ranma had a almost insatiable look of lust in his eyes 

Tom: How can a LOOK be almost insatiable? How does one satisfy a  
look anyway?

 

>and he fought against his bonds but they held tight. She straddled him  
>for a second time and slowly began her decent down his hot rod. 

Crow: Oh please let that be the ONE and ONLY analogy for Ranma's  
genitals in this story...

Joel: Place your bets, readers.

 

>Suddenly though Ranma bucked his hips up.  
>Ukyo: Owwww... Damn! I can't believe you did that! 

Tom: Oh right, you drug Ranma into becoming a mindless creature of  
lust and now you expect him to be GENTLE? Give me a break!

 

>She looks into his face, all she can see is concern written all over it.

Joel: Jigglypuff strikes again.

 

>Ukyo: * Damn you Ranma, I wanted to do this my way, I wanted to be  
>in control, but you took that away, you decided when YOU wanted me  
>to lose my virginity. But now your virginity is mine too, I finally have  
>my revenge, but I better finish what I started. *

Crow: [Ukyo] Hmmm... vengeance or lust, which am I more in the  
mood for today?

Tom: [Ukyo] Sure, I hate Ranma's guts now for betraying me with  
Akane, but, darn it, it just wouldn't be right for me to leave Ranma  
sexually unsatisfied! Boy, the lengths I go through just to be polite!

 

>Ukyo looked down at Ranma's face and noticed for the first time the  
>level of concern that he was displaying, for a moment she appears a  
>little sad but soon she starts moving.

Joel: Yes, it's another moment of dramatic conflict brought to you by  
Ukyo '*sob*' Kuonji.

 

>Ukyo: Maybe you do care for me after all Ranchan but with my luck  
>it's just the potion talking.

Tom: Either that or the little voices in her head.

Crow: Considering what she's gotten away with so far, her luck is  
nothing short of astounding.

 

>Ukyo's face was a mask of determination, not to say she wasn't enjoying  
>it, far from it, it was just that she was a little more focused then Ranma,  
>who let out a grunt or yowl at every movement. 

Tom: [Ranma] GRUNT!! You're... YOWL!!! Breaking... GRUNT!  
It... YOWL!!!

Joel: Am I the only one who's thinking Ukyo drank some of that potion  
as well?

Crow: Nope.

 

>Ukyo's hands move up to her breasts and she starts to massage them  
>with a circular motion, uttering little squeals of delight along the way. 

Tom: [Ukyo] Who cares if he shattered my dreams and broke my heart!  
The sex is FAN-TASTIC!!!

 

>She spead up the rhythm, soon she began to wish that she hadn't tied  
>Ranma down so he could do more. 

Joel: I can think of one crucial thing he could do...

Crow: Really? I have about a dozen I could rattle off right now...

Joel: Hentai.

Crow: Heh.

 

>In a couple of moments though all thoughts of this are forgotten, she  
>was about to climax. Ranma went just a little before her, without warning  
>he stiffened up and loaded her with hot cum. 

Crow: [Ukyo] In fact, it's TOO HOT!!! YEOWWWWWWW!!!

 

>A few seconds latter Ukyo came too. She let her body roll to the side  
>and fall off the bed, 

Tom: Heh. There's a poopy for ya!

Joel: [director] CUT! You all right, Ukyo? Okay, good. Next time,  
don't roll over quite so far, okay?

 

>she was breathing heavily but she could still move. 

Crow: [Lloyd Bridges] By this time her loins were aching for air...

 

>Seconds later she heard a sound, it was low at first, barely audible. It  
>grew in volume though, 

All: (hum the rising crescendo from 'Revolution Number 9')

 

>it took her a while to realize that it was Ranma who was making the noise,  
>she pushed her face up with shaky arms and hazarded a look at Ranma.  
>He had the most god-awful look of despair etched on his face Ukyo  
>couldn't figure out what was causing it but as she looked down his body  
>she found the culprit.

Joel: [Ukyo] Oh, THAT! Don't go worrying about THAT! Size doesn't  
matter! Really!

 

>Ukyo: * With this potion it's sort of like he's under the cat fist, because  
>his instincts control him.

Crow: Yeah! That's gotta be the ONLY LOGICAL REASON why  
Ranma would be crying right now! Nailed it right on the head!

Joel: LITTLE sarcastic there, Crow?

Crow: Heh, well, maybe a little.

 

>*long pause while she glances down his body

Tom: [Ukyo] Geez, he's got more body hair than George 'The Animal'  
Steele...

 

>He's still hard, he isn't finished yet, he must want more, and that hard  
>on is killing him. He'll have to live with it, I'm exhausted. * She got up  
>and went to lie down on the couch. As she was lying there the whimpering  
>grew louder until Ranma was practically sobbing. Ukyo got up off the  
>couch and stormed over to where Ranma was.

Crow: [Ukyo] Look, it's getting annoying, okay! Don't make me regret  
kidnapping you, Ranma!

 

>Ukyo: (angry) OK Ranma, one more time, just one more and I'm  
>going to sleep!

Tom: [Ukyo] Honestly! The things I have to do to get a little vengeance  
around here!

 

>Ukyo straddled Ranma and started the act once again, but one time  
>turned into two and two to three and so on 

Joel: Sex is like Jell-O... 

Crow: There's a lot of jiggling?

Joel: Um... actually I was going to say there's always room for more.

Crow: Right! But there's also a lot of jiggling!

Joel: *sighs* Yes, Crow. There's also a lot of jiggling.

Crow: Hee hee!

 

>until they had just completed their seventh session of making love. 

Tom: Hmmm, I'm guessing she's not angry at him anymore.

 

>Ukyo collapsed on Ranma and he tried to stir her by moving his hips  
>but that failed. 

Crow: So next he tried the egg beater and...

 

>He started whimpering again. Ukyo seemed to stir for a moment, then  
>all activity stopped then slowly she pushed herself up and to her feet on  
>the side of the bed. She heard Ranma whimpering and turned to him.

Joel: [Ukyo] Hey, Wilt Chamberlain! Give it a rest, willya!

 

>Ukyo: * Well he's still horney as hell, him and his damn martial arts  
>endurance. There is one thing that works to calm me down whenever  
>I'm horney, a cold shower. *

Joel: Okay, I'll bite. Where did Ukyo pick up a French accent?

 

>She leaves the room for a second and when we next see her she has a  
>large bucket of water, she sits it down next to the bed and looks at her  
>watch 6:15 am. She once again lifted the bucket, this time to eye level.  
>  
>Ukyo: Let's see how you like this you horney beast!

Crow: Can YOU guess what's going to happen next?

 

>She throws the water all over Ranma but the results didn't click in her  
>mind until the action was complete. 

Tom: I guess having sex eight times in one night WOULD make you a  
little light headed...

Crow: Not to mention raw as a...

Joel: Crow!

Crow: Sorry.

 

>Now where Ranma once laid there was a very wet, very naked, and  
>very female Ranme with her hands 

Joel: ...around Ukyo's throat as she strangled her.

Tom: And who the heck is Ranme anyway?

 

>and stood waiting for something, anything to happen. Female Ranma  
>crouched up in a manner similar to that when she was a cat and  
>pounced toward Ukyo. 

Tom: It wasn't the cat fist, mind you, but it was pretty darn close!

Joel: Um... am I missing something or wasn't she supposed to be  
chained to the bed?

Crow: The curse couldn't have shrunk her enough to get loose from  
those chains! And how did she manage to break free when Male Ranma  
couldn't even do it! Continuity, where art thou!?

 

>It didn't hurt as much as Ukyo expected, as a matter of fact she thought  
>it felt pretty good. She opened her eyes and looked down, Ranma was  
>attached to her chest gloaping her. 

Joel: Gloaping her? Umm, sounds... interesting.

 

>Ukyo simply stood there shocked, she dropped to her knees and then  
>fell forward. All that lovemaking and then this shock had made her faint.

Crow: But mostly it was the lovemaking.

 

>Ukyo awoke to one of the best things that she could think of, 

Tom: A breakfast in bed that she won't have to do the dishes for later?

 

>her head was propped in the lap of the person she loved most in the  
>world and on top of that this person was showing concern for her. 

Joel: Her mom?

Tom: Nice thought, Joel, but I doubt it.

 

>Ukyo: Ranma?  
>  
>Ranma's face was overflowing with the undeniable look of relief. She  
>grabbed Ukyo up in a hug and swung her around.

Crow: *crack*

Joel: [Ukyo] Ack! My spine!

 

>Ranma: Oh Ukyo, I was so worried, I didn't know what to do, I'm sorry,  
>this must be my fault, please forgive me!

Tom: So this potion CONVENIENTLY erases memory too? Wait,  
don't tell me! Shampoo added a little memory erasing shampoo in  
case things went wrong? 

Crow: Actually... that would make sense.

Joel: Except that she'd need to touch the pressure points on Ranma's  
head to make it work.

Crow: Well, I didn't say it made a LOT of sense!

 

>Ukyo was perplexed by Ranma's actions, 

Joel: Oh, the irony...

 

>then it came back to her, the reason why she was naked, and Ranma  
>was naked, and everything in between. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Damn... and people accuse Genma of being evil? Get a  
load of ME!

 

>Ukyo: * The potion, of course! Uh oh, I better be careful with what I  
>say or do. Or else things might not turn out too nicely.

Joel: To put it mildly.

 

>Ukyo simply stood there thinking to herself while Ranma rattled on.  
>For once Ukyo was paying less attention to Ranma then thinking to  
>herself.

Crow: (bursts out laughing) For ONCE?!? Oh, I suppose Ukyo was  
just thinking of Ranma when she kidnapped, drugged and ravaged the  
poor guy!

 

>Ranma: I'll do anything to make it up to you! Please, I love you Ucchan,  
>after what we did tonight I recommend that we get married immediately.  
>Please, oh pretty please!

(Joel and the bots fall out of their seats. They sit stunned on the floor  
for several moments before returning to their seats, grumbling.)

Joel: Unbelievable...

Crow: Okay, that's it. I've given up on trying to see ANY redeemable  
value in this fanfic. From this point on, it's TAKE NO PRISONERS.

Tom: [Shaft] You damn right!

 

>Ukyo: * Is it me or is Ranchan acting more girlish then usual, yet  
>another affect of the potion I guess....wait a second did she say that  
>she wanted to marry me, I think she did. Oh this is the happiest day  
>of my life, but I couldn't take advantage of Ranma while the potion  
>was affecting her, could I? *

Joel: Hey, why stop now? You're on a roll!

 

>Ukyo: (serious) Ranma I need to know for sure, do you really love me?  
>  
>Ranma: With all my heart my dear Ucchan.  
>  
>Ukyo: And do you promise that you will marry me, not Akane, not  
>Shampoo, not anyone else but me.  
>  
>Ranma: You're the only one for me, I love you now and forever.

Joel: [Ukyo] Wow! If I had known things would work out like this, I  
would have kidnapped and raped you a long... oops!

 

>Ukyo: * This must be a dream, things are too perfect. I love her so much  
>and now she loves me back, I'm so happy that I could die.

Tom: Well, if you must... could you take this idiotic plot twist with you?

 

>Meanwhile while Ukyo was lost in thought Ranma noticed something  
>else about Ukyo. Something that seemed to be standing out in Ranma's  
>mind and the potion true to form kicked in. 

Crow: [Ranma] She's got sperm in her hair! Sproingggg!

 

>Ukyo did not seem to notice it at first but when she did notice she was  
>shocked. She looked down to see Ranma suckling one her right nipple  
>while playing with one of her own. 

Joel: Boy, she really IS out of it. 

Crow: Joel, if you were lost in thought, how long would it take you to  
notice a girl suckling your breast?

Joel: (blushing) Ummmm... chances are pretty good I'd notice her breath  
on my chest first...

 

>She was so shocked by the sudden change in Ranma's interest that she  
>simply stood there and looked at her. 

Tom: [Ukyo] This is almost as easy as being in a Mike Rhea fic!

 

>It was not until Ranma decided to go further and reach towards Ukyo's  
>neither regions as she seen this her eyes grew as wide as saucer plates  
>and she decided that enough was enough.  
>  
>Ukyo: And just what do you think your doing Ranma?

Joel: [Ranma] Reaching towards your neither regions. Why?

 

>Ranma: I'm showing how much I love you my darling Ucchan.  
>  
>Ukyo: But you've already shown me how much you love me several  
>times tonight.  
>  
>Ranma: But not as a girl we never made love with me as a girl.  
>  
>Ukyo: But I don't want to make love to you as a girl!

Crow: [Ukyo as Austin Powers] I want to make love to you as a  
MAN, baby! Yeahhh!

Joel: [Ukyo] Hey, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that!

 

>Ranma reeled back as if she was struck by some invisible force. The  
>hurt look on her face radiated pure depression.

Joel: And people say Ryouga's heart is fragile?

Crow: [Ranma] B-but you're Saint Ukyo! The sweet, sensitive, caring  
girl who loves me for who I am and never hits or insults me like that  
tomboy Akane! You're suppose to love me no matter what form I'm in!  
How can so many fanfic writers be wrong about us?!?

Tom: Cute, Crow. Real cute. 

 

>Ranma: You hate me don't you? You *sob* hate me! 

Tom: Again with the *sobs*!!

 

>I know that I'm worthless, I know that you couldn't love someone  
>cursed like I am. (her voice was breaking) 

Joel: Much like the rope holding up any further suspension of disbelief.

Crow: Are you kidding? That thing snapped ages ago! 

 

>I hate myself! Please *sob* please, I know that you hate me *sob* but  
>would you do me a favor. Kill me! I'm a *sob* mistake, everybody  
>hates me.....I'm no man among men......*sob*.....I'm nothing!

Tom: [Ukyo] *CLANG!* Get a frigging GRIP, Saotome! Cripes, do  
you always WHINE like this when you've been drugged? If so, Akane  
can have your sorry ass!

 

>Ukyo was totally shocked by this display, she never knew Ranma was  
>this depressed about his curse. 

Joel: [Ukyo] Or is it that the potion I used magnified Ranma's self-doubts  
and insecurities by ten as well? Nahhhh, it must be the curse.

 

>Ukyo was getting sick to her stomach, she caused this, the red head that  
>was curled up in a ball on the floor racked with sobs and screaming out  
>about people hating her.  
>  
>Ukyo: * How could I deny Ranchan this, it's a small price to pay to  
>make her feel better. * 

Crow: [Ukyo] Yeah, no more of this talking through your problems  
and sympathizing with them crap! Only the awesome power of SEX  
can solve Ranma's emotional problems! 

 

>Ranma come here, you can love me anyway that you want, just be  
>careful I'm not used to this. Please Ranchan, I would do anything for  
>you, you are a man among men and you are not a mistake, now  
>come over here and love me.

Joel: [Ukyo] Prove you're a man among men by making love to me  
as a WOMAN! 

 

>Ranma: Really *sob* you don't care that I'm like this you still love me!  
>I'm so happy Ucchan, I love you so much it hurts.

Tom: [Ukyo] Tell me about it! I could barely stand up when we were  
done!

 

>Ranma walked over to the bed where Ukyo was sitting and sat down  
>next to her.

Tom: [Ukyo] Oh, by the way, how DID you get loose from your chains  
anyway?

Joel: [Ranma] Just call me Houdini, babycakes.

 

>Ukyo: * Ranma is waiting for me to make the first move, but what am  
>I supposed to do, I've never done anything like this before. Maybe I'll  
>do what Ranma was doing earlier, just maneuver my face down her  
>*grunt* 

Joel: [Ukyo] Ah yes, I believe I'll start with a grunt and work my way  
up to a throaty moan.

 

>move the arm, and start licking her nipples, piece of cake, actually its  
>kind of nice.

Crow: [Ukyo] I should try this on myself someday!

Tom: Heh.

 

>Ranma's face shifted to a subtle happy smile. Her hands moved to the  
>back of Ukyo's head and Ranma fell onto her back to give Ukyo more  
>access to her body.

Joel: How much more does she need? She's practically inspected the  
entire lot!

 

>Ukyo: * The curse must affect Ranma more then she lets on, in male  
>form Ranma is the aggressor but right now more then anything  
>Ranma seems submissive. 

Crow: The same aggressor that was whining like a whipped pup for  
sex when he was chained up?

 

>Ranma might not be complaining about this but on the inside I know  
>that she wants more and I know just how to give it to her. 

Joel: [Ukyo] If it works for me, it works for ALL women everywhere!

 

>When I forsook my woman hood all those years ago I also vowed never  
>to masturbate again because it would remind me that I was a woman.  
>I'm afraid I'm going to be a little out of practice at this but it will have  
>to do. Just take my hand and move it down here and move this finger  
>here and in and out.......*

Crow: [Ranma] ACK! Not THERE! Up a little!

Tom: [Ukyo] Hey, I said I was out of practice! Deal with it!

Joel: Dare we ask who she practiced on first before pulling THIS caper?

Crow: Now that I think of it, Dr. Tofu DID disappear from this series  
rather abruptly... nahhhh!

 

>Ranma's hips were bucking wildly, suddenly her face screwed up and  
>her body tensed.  
>  
>Ranma: Uccchannnn!!!!

Joel: [Ukyo] That's my name, ask me again and I'll tell you the  
saaaaaaame!!!!

 

>Ukyo: * Not bad for being ten years out of practice, I hope that this girl  
>Ranma doesn't have the sex drive of the boy Ranma otherwise I might  
>really be in for some trouble. 

Crow: [Ukyo] And me without a pop-o-matic bubble.

 

>Is, is she sleeping, I think that she fell asleep. Now that's a relief, I'm  
>pretty pooped myself, looks like its time for both of us to get some  
>shut eye. *Good night my love......

All: (singing) Goodnight, my someone... Goodnight, my love...

 

>Hour's later Ukyo awoke to someone whispering in her ear.

Joel: (whispering) You have the right to remain silent... anything  
you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law...

 

>Ranma: Ucchan.......Ucchan......wake up.......its almost one in the  
>afternoon. You don't want to waste the day away do you?

Tom: [Ranma] We've got a lot more boinking to do!

 

>Ukyo just sat there pretending to be sleeping. Enjoying her Finance's  
>attention. She was so happy that she could cry.

Crow: [Ukyo] Who needs a fiance when I've got MONEY to take care  
of me!

Joel: Ah, the Nabiki Tendo Guide to Love.

 

>Ukyo: * Ranma's still here, what do I do? Look at the clock, see how  
>much time I have before the potion wears off.......where is that stupid  
>clock......ahhhhh its 12:48 still have plenty of time. What should I  
>do......what do people do in the mornings......

Joel: Sleep in till noon?

Crow: Whenever possible. 

Tom: Thank goodness this author always keeps us informed of what  
time it is. Oops, speaking of which, it's time for a break, guys.

 

>I know I can make breakfast, that's it, breakfast......* Hey Ranchan, you  
>up for some breakfast?

Joel: (standing up) Shouldn't that be lunch? It is 12:48 after all.

Crow: Lunch sounds good right about now. Wanna get some grub and  
have ourselves a little chat afterwards, Tom?

Tom: A chat, huh? Eh, why not. 

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

 

* * *

#MST3K [+nl 3000] Insert Funny Slogan Here

* GoldenSpider-DuckofLove enters the chatroom

* TomServoPrime enters the chatroom

[TomServoPrime] The hell?!

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] hello ppl eny ladies 18+ here want 2 cyber  
with a studly 21m?

[TomServoPrime]: CROW!! You *know* we're the only people on the  
stupid server, *especially* after you scared Gypsy off like that...

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] DoEs Ne1 hAvE pR0N?

[TomServoPrime] * TomServoPrime transforms into his Super-God-  
Tom-Servo form and shoots his Gumball Ray of Death at GoldenSpider-  
DuckofLove.

* GoldenSpider-DuckofLove sets mode +l 69

[TomServoPrime] I shot you. You're dead now.

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] Hah, no you didnt!! I'm the god, I'M THE  
GOD!!

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] I decide who live and who dies. u die.

* TomServoPrime has been kicked out of #MST3K by GoldenSpider-  
DuckofLove (Hah Hah AHAAAHAHA!!)

* TomServoDelta enters the chat room.

[TomServoDelta] Back.

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] WTF?!?

* TomServoDelta has been added as a host by TomServoDelta.

[GoldenSpider-DuckofLove] Hey! How did you lean the self op code?

* GoldenSpider-DuckofLove has been kicked out of #MST3K by  
TomServoDelta (You won't live long enough for it to matter.)

* DonIncognito enters the chat room.

[DonIncognito] Op me?

[TomServoDelta] Oh come on, Crow... do you honestly think I'm that  
stupid?

[DonIncognito] Well I was kinda hoping...

* DonIncognito has been kicked out of #MST3K by TomServoDelta  
(Hope in one hand, crap in the other, see which piles up first!)

* Joel enters the room.

[Joel] Hey, Tom.

[TomServoDelta] Hey, Joel, is it time to go back into the theater yet?

[Joel] Nah, I was bored and decided to kill some time. Where's Crow?

[TomServoDelta] Eh, probably off sulking somewhere. Serves him right  
for messing with the almighty (imitates fanfare) OPS MASTER SERVO!!!

[Joel] That's cute, Tom. Speaking of which, mind if I have ops?

[TomServoDelta] Oh, sure!

* Joel has been added as a host by TomServoDelta

[Joel] Thanks!

* TomServoDelta has been kicked out of #MST3K by Joel  
([Dark Helmet] Fooled you!)

*Joel is now known as CrowingVictory

* [CrowingVictory] Heh heh heh... He never saw it coming...

* TomServoBeta enters the room.

* TomServoBeta has been added as a host by TomServoBeta

[TomServoBeta] It's go time, Beakman!

* CrowingVictory has been kicked out of #MST3K by TomServoBeta  
(Who's your daddy, Crow?!?)

* 2LiveCrow enters the chat room

* 2LiveCrow has been added as a host by 2LiveCrow

[TomServoBeta] What the... ?!?

[2LiveCrow] HAHAHAHHAHAHA! Now its a fair fight!

* TomServoBeta has been kicked out of #MST3K by 2LiveCrow  
(REVENGE IS MINE SO SAYETH THE CROW!)

* GigaTomBomb enters the chat room

[GigaTomBomb] Oh, it's on now!

* Joel enters the chat room

* 2LiveCrow has been kicked out of #MST3K by GigaTomBomb  
(Payback's a b****, b****!!)

* TheBigCrowboski enters the chat room

* GigaTomBomb has been kicked out of #MST3K by TheBigCrowboski  
(Ground control to Major Tom: you've been grounded!)

*TheWho'sTommy enters the chat room

[Joel] Guys... sorry to interupt the battle but it's time to go back  
into the theater.

[TheWho'sTommy] Dang, already?

[TheBigCrowboski] Aw, just when we were really getting into it too.

[TheWho'sTommy] Shall we continue this RP later?

Of course. BBL.

* TheWho'sTommy leaves the chat room. (I'm HUGE!)

* TheBigCrowboski leaves the chat room. (I'm too sexy for my gears.)

* Joel leaves the chat room. (Well, at least they haven't discovered  
nuking yet...)

*GypsyRose enters the chat room

[GypsyRose] Whew! Thought those guys would never leave! 

*Richard_Baseheart enters the chat room

[GypsyRose] Yayyyy! :) :) :)

[Richard_Baseheart] Ah, my darling, I must confess to being new at this...  
so why don't you lead me through it?

[GypsyRose] Um... okay. :)

[GypsyRose] Oh my! I almost forgot!

*You have been kicked out of #MST3K by Gypsy (Sorry about this, but  
sometimes a girl and her man need their privacy! ;p)

 

TO BE CONTINUED IN 'UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES' PT. 2...

 

Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other two  
part MSTings, There's lots more fun and weirdness to come in the second part,  
including another silly song parody by the Satellite of Love! So don't skip it or  
you'll only be missing out on some great riffs and skits. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*  
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

 

(The future isn't what it used to be...)

 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 28: UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES PT. 2

(A Ranma 1/2 Lemon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment  
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or  
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are  
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering  
my own ass here folks...

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the  
distributors of her work.

"Ukyo Gets What She Deserves" is the property of RVincent. He has  
given his approval for this MSTing of his work and I greatly  
appreciate it. ;)

Warning: This fic contains mature content and scenes of lemon. If you  
are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! 

 

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you  
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) 

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and  
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)

 

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,  
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping  
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his  
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to  
him, Crow sitting on his right.

 

>Ranma: You betcha Ucchan, you know how much I love your cooking! 

Crow: And now we have the Incredible Elmo playing Ranma. 

Joel: Eek.

 

>Breakfast was going off without a problem. As usual Ukyo fixed  
>Okonomoyaki and as usual Ranma ate more then his share. 

Tom: When did she have time to stock the kitchen? I thought  
kidnapping Ranma was supposed to be a one night only thing?

Crow: Must be leftovers from when she kidnapped Dr. Tofu.

Tom: Yeah and... huh?

 

>The only thing that seemed out of place was the constant loving looks  
>given by Ranma to Ukyo along with the loving words, as a matter of  
>fact Ranma's whole demeanor reflected the love he was feeling on the  
>inside for Ukyo. With every loving word Ukyo seemed to flinch.

All: (singing) When loving lovers love...

 

>Ukyo: * I should be reveling in this, Ranchan is finally expressing his  
>love for me but the only reason he's doing it is that potion. Damn this,  
>how do I know what emotions are real and what are induced. 

Crow: That's easy. They're all induced.

Tom: Sure, you think Ranma would bear any genuine affection toward  
someone who would stoop to such lengths just for one night of nookie?  
Not a chance, sister!

 

>It's not fair, its just not fair, I'm so close to having his love but when this  
>potion wears off I might lose any chance I had. Damn, damn, damn, the  
>only reason I did this is because I thought that I didn't have any chance,  
>but I did...........and now its gone............*

 

Joel: You know, we have to give the author a little credit here... this  
premise really isn't all that bad... Ukyo may be wildly out of character but  
in a bizarre, twisted sort of way, she IS getting what she deserves here... a  
perverse empty shell of a fiancee speaking words of love that are hollow  
because they don't come from the heart.

Crow: Sure... granted, Ukyo *did* use black magic to try to break up  
Ranma's relationship in the Cave of Lost Love story... and she *did*  
take advantage of the Tendos' hospitality and Ranma's guilt to try to  
trap him into marriage in Secret Sauce, even after she *knew* that he  
was trying to get rid of her... and bombing the wedding, let's not  
forget that... and oh yeah, attacking Ranma when she thought he was  
trying to give Akane an engagement ring... and... um, I've completely  
forgotten what point I was trying to make here.

Tom: (stares at Crow) Do you work for Gary Kleppe or something?

 

>Visually Ukyo seemed to get more and more depressed by the minute.  
>Ranma seemed to notice this and her demeanor changed from loving  
>to concerned.  
>  
>Ranma: I did something wrong didn't I, its all my fault, it must be my  
>fault please tell me what I did wro..  
>  
>Ranma was suddenly silenced as Ukyo planted a kiss right on her lips.  
>  
>Ukyo: You didn't do anything wrong, not everything is your fault, it  
>actually mine..... * What am I going to say now, should I tell him the  
>truth? What if he gets mad he won't be able to restrain himself, what  
>should I do? *

Joel: [Ukyo] Why did the author have to make me so damn indecisive?!?

 

>Ranma: I know since its such a nice day we could go for a hike. How  
>did we get in a forest anyway, is this cabin yours Ucchan? It seems  
>so peaceful here.

Crow: Took you long enough to notice you weren't in Kansas anymore,  
eh, Ranma?

 

>Ukyo: Yeah, a hike does sound like a good idea, and there is a lake  
>near here, we could go swimming if you want. This cabin is mine, its  
>sort of a summer retreat, it took a while to save for it but I'm glad I  
>bought it.

Tom: [Ukyo] It's been really handy whenever I needed to get away for  
a while... enjoy the beauty and harmony of nature... kidnap my two-timing  
fiance and chain him to the... oops!

 

>Ranma: Well lets get going we've already wasted part of the day and  
>I'm not about to let the rest slip away.

Joel: [Ranma] ...like my short AND long-term memory. 

 

>We see scenes of Ukyo and Ranma walking all over the woods. Ranma  
>is acing like a small child. She is running and laughing and jumping  
>up in trees, 

All: (singing) Doooo... do do doooo... do do doooo...

Crow: [Ukyo as Spock] I'm not going back, Jim! I like it here!

 

>in some scenes Ukyo looks happy but in others she is looking at her  
>watch in fear. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Man, I'm going to miss all my soaps if we don't go  
back soon...

 

>One, two, a total of five hours pass before they arrive at the lake. 

Crow: [Graham Chapman] One, two, FIVE!

Tom: Three, sir!

 

>The camera comes out of the woods from behind Ranma and Ukyo who  
>are standing on the shore staring at the lake and scenery. The sun  
>hangs low on the horizon across the lake there are pine trees and even  
>further away there are mountains making for a beautiful natural collage  
>topped off by the bluest of blue sky's.

Joel: Terrific. We've gone from a lemon darkfic to a WAFFy story.

 

>Ukyo: It really is beautiful isn't it Ranma, look how the sun just hangs  
>there, you don't see anything like that back in Nerima.  
>  
>Ranma: It really is beautiful Ukyo, but not as beautiful as you.

Crow: Smooth.

Tom: Eh, not bad. I'd rate it about a six on the Guido Anchovy meter.

 

>Ukyo: * I wish that you would tell me things like that without the  
>potion. * Thank you Ranchan, you don't know how happy that makes  
>me. * Oh no, I'm starting to get depressed again, I'm getting as bad as  
>Ryoga. I'm so sorry Ranma for using that potion. *

Joel: [Ukyo] Oh no! I'm starting to talk to myself now! *Ack! Did I  
say that aloud! Ohmigod, I have to say something to cover it up!*  
S-So... how about those Knicks, huh? I hear they may go all the way  
this year! *Oh, brilliant diversion, Kuonji! Real good! Look, just shut  
up and let me handle this, okay?*

 

>Suddenly there was a rusting in the bushes behind Ranma and Ukyo. By  
>this time the camera had made a 180-degree spin, it was now over the  
>lake and pointing at Ranma and Ukyo from the other side. 

Joel: So the camera's tied to a fishing line?

Tom: [director] Okay, who's the wiseguy that reeled in Cambot?!?

 

>Ukyo steps foreword a step or two cautiously. Suddenly the bushes  
>erupt and a huge bear comes into view bearing rows of nasty teeth, 

Tom: [Smokey the Bear] Only YOU can prevent fanfiction!

 

>it pulls back its paw and takes a swipe at Ukyo. Ukyo takes a glancing  
>blow to the arm resulting in a set of parallel marks, nothing serious  
>but enough to make her bleed. 

Crow: Yeah, no sense panicking until her entrails start to spill.

Joel: [bear] Now hand over that picnic basket or you'll get more of  
the same!

 

>Ranma whirls around to look at Ukyo's falling form, she sees the  
>bloody slashes on the arm and suddenly takes on a look of madness. 

Crow: Uh-oh... cue the Wolverine berzerker rage.

Tom: [Ranma] You're in a mess of trouble now, bub.

 

>Ranma straightens her stance and faces the twelve-foot monster of  
>a bear.

Tom: [Ranma] What?!? Did we mess with your cubs? Do we have  
food for you to steal? Why are you harassing us, man?!?

 

>Ranma: You hurt Ucchan.

Joel: [Ranma] Must blame self. Whine like puppy. Cry like wuss.

 

>The words were as cold as ice and without any other warning Ranma  
>attacked. 

Tom: [Narrator] A wild Ranma will not hesitate to attack if his mate  
has been threatened...

 

>She leapt up in the air and hit the beast with a flying jump kick to the  
>throat. The kick was strong enough to knock it over. 

Crow: [Ranma] Take that, Grumpy Bear!

 

>She pulled her fist back and made her hand like she was going to do a  
>karate chop of sorts. She drove it foreword into the abdomen of the  
>great beast, the flesh tore easily and her entire arm was embedded in  
>the creature. 

Crow: That's quite the Boo Boo you got there, Yogi.

Tom: [Ranma] Hey, Ucchan! Watch this! I saw The Tick do something  
like this once! 

 

>With a grunt of rage she tore her hand out and took a large section of  
>the chest with it. She followed this up with a chestnut fist that left the  
>mammoth chest as nothing more then a bloody crater. 

Crow: (somber) Here lies the final resting place of Baloo, a simple bear  
whose only wish was to find the bare necessities... *sob*...

 

>By all accounts the animal should have been dead but all the attacks  
>had taken place in about a second. We see Ukyo props herself up on  
>her elbows from her laying position, she can see everything. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Oh COOL! I can see the blood, the body and  
EVERYTHING!!

 

>Ranma walks up to the creatures'head and looks down into its face.

Joel: [Ranma] I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this.

Crow: [bear] T-tell Kissyfur I loved him...

 

>Ranma: For hurting Ucchan the penalty is death.

Tom: Oh, is that right, *your honor*?

Crow: He seems to have tapped into the same Ranma from 'Ranma  
Kills!'.

Joel: Maybe a 'being of light' can help the bear this time?

 

>We see Ukyo's face which has a look of horror on it, she seems to be  
>mouthing the word no over and over again. 

Crow: ENOUGH with this *seems* crap! Either she IS or she ISN'T  
doing something! Make up your mind already!

 

>Once again the camera focuses on what Ranma is doing. It appears as  
>though she is going to use a basi tenketsu to finish the bear off. 

Tom: And if the bear was made of rock, that would mean something.

Crow: Oh, now it's *appears.* That's LOADS better, oh yes.

 

>He puts his index finger to the creatures'head, and slowly pushes  
>foreword. The look of madness has left Ranma's eyes replaced by one  
>of utter evil.  
>  
>The finger slowly pushes forward cracking the bears skull. The  
>sickening scene and sounds are too much for Ukyo and she turns to  
>the side and vomits. 

Tom: Whoops, there goes her lunch... now her cookies... all we need  
now is a pair of socks and... yep, there they are!

 

>Finally Ranma jumps into the air releasing a chi blast at the remains  
>of the creature leaving nothing more then a charred crater. 

Crow: He tampered in Yogi's domain...

Joel: [Ranma] Let's see... I've disemboweled ya, caved in your chest,  
cracked open your skull and chi blasted the bejeebers out of ya... are you  
ready to give up NOW or do I have to get rough? 

 

>Ranma then slowly walks up to Ukyo.

Crow: *squish*

Joel: [Ranma] Yuck! Where did all this puke come from?

 

>Ranma: Are you Ok Ucchan?  
>  
>Ukyo: * Oh my god I cant believe he could do such a thing, better play  
>it cool. * Yeah, I guess.

Crow: [Ukyo] *No! That was too flat! Try again!* I'm reasonably well,  
thank you Mr. Saotome. *Where the hell did that come from?!? Come  
on, one more time!* Why, I'm simply spiffy, Ranma! *SCREAM!!!*

 

>Ranma: That's good, I'm gonna take a swim, join me when you're ready.  
>  
>Ranma quickly stripped down and jumped into the lake leaving a  
>severely shaken Ukyo to sit and wonder if she would face the same  
>punishment as the bear for lying to her. 

Crow: Nah, he'd probably be more creative. Like tearing off all your  
limbs and beating you silly with them. Or remove your lungs through  
your butt like that Lobo guy...

Joel: Ick.

 

>Maybe she deserved it, in her own mind she was no better then Shampoo.

Tom: Speaking of which, I wonder if Shampoo, not to mention everyone  
else involved in Ranma's life, are looking for him right now? I don't  
suppose we could have a 'Meanwhile, back in Nerima...'?

Crow: Meanwhile, back in Nerima, the First Impact started, thereby  
slaughtering hundreds of thousands and letting Ukyo off the hook!

Tom: [Ukyo] Woo hoo!

 

>Ukyo: Ok Ranma-honey I'll be there in a second.  
>  
>Ukyo undressed in a timely manner and was soon joining Ranma in  
>the lake. Ukyo had never been skinny-dipping before and found the  
>new sensation exhilarating. 

Joel: (chuckles) That's ONE word for it.

Crow: You've skinny dipped, Joel?

Joel: Once, during a camping trip at the lake. Someone bet me $40 that  
I wouldn't do it in front of the girls. Of course, they stole my clothes  
afterwards...

Tom: (snickers) You fell for THAT old gag?

Joel: (blushing) Hey, it was for $40! So sue me!

 

>She and Ranma spent over an hour swimming, both came out of the  
>lake looking like prunes. 

Crow: [Jusekyou Guide] Uh-oh! You fall in cursed lake of drowned  
Cologne!

Tom: GAHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!

 

>When they finally left the surreal comforts of the lake almost all of  
>Ukyo's tension about the potion and Ranma was forgotten.

Crow: Yep, nothing like a cold swim in the buff to get your mind off  
your fiancee brutally murdering a woodland creature...

 

>She and Ranma were getting dressed when Ukyo noticed something  
>Ranma had stopped putting on clothes and was now touching herself  
>in a very 'in appropriate' manner.  
>  
>Ukyo: * Wow Ranma-honey is really going at it, I thought that she  
>would be more then satisfied from last night. We made love ten, twelve,  
>I lost count of all the times we did it. 

Crow: Eight times exactly, not counting her 3rd base encounter with her  
female half!

Joel: Trust you to keep track.

Crow: Heh heh.

 

>And now she's going at it again, incredible. It must be a combination  
>of that martial arts endurance of his along with the effects of that  
>potion. 

Tom: Boy, she'll make up ANY excuse not to blame herself, eh?

 

>Wha..... I'm starting to get a little... uh...moist to, the idea of  
>being with a girl never really appealed to me, I guess..... I guess....last  
>night affected me more then I thought.

Joel: (shaking his head) Man, you can practically FEEL the author  
pulling the strings here...

Tom: [Bela Lugosi] PULL THE STRINGS!!! PULL THE STRINGS!!!

 

>Should I....do something? Maybe I should just watch, I've never seen  
>someone just break down and start masturbating before. 

Crow: Welcome to the world of lemon fanfiction, Ukyo.

 

>* Uhhhh..... Ranchan could you use a little help there?

Tom: [Ranma] Yes, not to mention there... and there...

 

>Ranma: Ukyo could you, *gasp* down there......

Joel: [Ukyo] Um, okay. *gasps* How's that?

 

>Ukyo understood what Ranma meant and immediately got down  
>on her knees. 

Crow: (smirks) 

Joel: DON'T say it, guys.

Tom: Not saying a word.

 

>After briefly wondering if there was such a thing as martial arts muff  
>diving she went in for the kill. 

Crow: Death by oral sex. Truly the way to go.

 

>The red head wrapped her legs around Ukyo's head in a manner that  
>could have been mistaken as some type of choke hold 

Tom: Yeah, the figure four neck lock. 

 

>but form the look on Ranma's face martial arts were the last thing on  
>her mind. The writhing intertwined duo somehow ended up in the  
>shallows of the lake, which resulted in Ukyo nearly drowning. 

Tom: [Ukyo, gasping] Geez, who taught you how to sixty-nine?  
Xenia Onatopp?!? 

 

>However before she came up for air, with the aid of her fingers, she  
>achieved her goal of bringing both herself and Ranma to the plateau  
>of orgasmic ecstasy. 

Crow: You know, this scene ain't half bad...

Joel: Sure, if you ignore all the ethical and moral dilemmas involved.

Crow: *sighs* Just spoil my fun, why don't ya?

Joel: Heh.

 

>They laid there in the shallows of the lake for what seemed like hours,  
>both seemingly content just to be in each other's company.  
>  
>Ukyo: * I would just love to lay here holding Ranchan all day but we've  
>got to get home, 

Joel: [Ranma as Bela Lugosi] Home...? We have no home... Hunted...  
Despised... Living like animals... The forest is our home! But we will  
show the fanfiction vorld that we can be its master! We shall perfect our  
own race of writers! A race of Ranma/Ukyo supporters! THAT VILL  
CONQUER THE VORLD!!! 

Crow: Yikes!

 

>its getting dark and I don't know exactly where we are. I hope we can  
>find our way back to the cabin. * Ranchan get up we have to get going,  
>its almost dark.  
>  
>Ranma: Why do we have to leave, we could lay out here at least a little  
>longer.

Crow: [Ukyo] Oh sure, let's give the mosquitoes a chance for a early  
evening snack!

 

>Ukyo: Ranma it's almost dark and if we don't leave now we might not  
>find out way back. Do you remember the way back to the cabin exactly?  
>  
>Ranma: Of course.  
>  
>Ukyo glared at Ranma.

Joel: [Ranma] What? I brought a compass!

 

>Ranma: I'm sorry Ucchan, it's all my fault that were lost. It's all my  
>fault, if I paid attention to where we were going better we wouldn't be  
>like this. Its all my fault......all my fault.....can you ever forgive me  
>Ucchan.

All: (exaperated) SHUT UP!!!

Crow: [Ukyo] One more apology and my spatula's got a date with  
your skull!

Tom: She probably would have saved herself a lot of trouble if she tried  
that from the start...

 

>Ukyo: * There he goes again, stupid potion, stupid, stupid potion. * 

Tom: Ah, the Ed Wood guide to script dialogue.

 

>No its not your fault its never your fault, now come on we should leave  
>now I'm confident with your help we can find our way back.

Joel: Good thing she didn't kidnap Ryoga.

 

>Ranma: Ok Ucchan we'll leave just let me get dressed.

Tom: Can we get some commas in here, please?

 

>Ranma and Ukyo got dressed in short order and soon they were on their  
>way back to the cabin. Once again we see Ukyo starring at her watch the  
>camera zooms in for a close up it's a little past nine and Ukyo seems to  
>be getting more and more nervous by the minute. Ranma doesn't seem  
>to notice this at all 

Joel: [Ranma] There! Behind those bushes! I'm telling you, there's  
a floating movie camera following us around! We must be in a 3-D  
platform game!

Tom: [Ukyo] Dibs on the gold coins!

 

>and surprisingly within a half an hour they had made their way back  
>to the cabin. By now it was totally black outside and the only light was  
>from the cabin, not even the moon penetrated the thick canopy of trees. 

Crow: Welcome to Eerie, Nerima.

Tom: (singing) It's creepy and it's kooky, Mysterious and spooky, It's all  
together ooky, This padded scenery! Dah dah dah dah!

Joel: (snaps his fingers twice)

 

>They enter the cabin and the camera follows close behind, they close the  
>door behind them but the camera shifts to the side and goes through the  
>window as though it was not there.

Joel: [Garfield] Nice touch...

Crow: Unfortunately, a family of wild Trumpys had snuck into the cabin  
while they were gone. Several days later, police investigators found a scene  
that they could only describe as "grisly, yet strangely hilarious."

 

>Ukyo: Ranma-honey how about you and I have dinner, its been a long  
>day and I'm sure you're as hungry as me if not more hungry considering  
>how you usually eat.

Tom: [Ranma] Geez, are you nervous or something?

Crow: [Ukyo] N-nervous! W-w-why would I be nervous!? If I was  
nervous, I'd tell you I was nervous, I wouldn't tell you that I wasn't  
nervous if I was nervous which I'm NOT! 

Tom: [Ranma] Oooooo-kay.

 

>Ranma: Yeah Ucchan, I'm starved could you make me a pork  
>Okonomoyaki.  
>  
>Ukyo: One pork Okonomoyaki coming up. I'll also heat you up some  
>water so that you can change back.  
>  
>Ranma: I don't know if that's such a good idea.......  
>  
>Ukyo: Why not?

Joel: [Ranma] I might end up chained to the bed again!

Crow: [Ukyo] And that's a bad thing?

 

>Ranma: Well, remember last night? 

Tom: [Ranma] Cause it's a TOTAL blank for me!

 

>I might get like that again, or even worse, for some reason I have an  
>uncontrollable urge to fuck you and its even worse when I'm a guy. 

Joel: [Ranma] Why, it's almost like my male half is from Mars and my  
female half is from Venus!

 

>So I don't really want to change back right now.  
>  
>Ukyo: Oh  
>  
>That statement stunned Ukyo with both its bluntness and the information  
>it bestowed upon her. 

Crow: [Ukyo] Boy, he really doesn't haven't a clue, does he?

 

>In her opinion it was all her fault that Ranma was this way and it  
>pained her.

Joel: Not quite enough to stop her from rolling in the hay with Ranma,  
BUT...

 

>However, even though she was distracted the Okonomoyaki turned out  
>flawless as always. 

Crow: By Papal decree, the Holy Okonomiyaki shan't even be singed!

 

>Ranma ate two, three, five, seven 

Joel and Tom: ...eight! Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!

Crow: They're gonna do it, all right.

 

>Okonomoyaki before he was full. Ukyo only ate a single Okonomoyaki  
>with shrimp, even though she was feeling hungry the whole thing with  
>Ranma had made her lose her appetite already. 

Crow: So she's feeling hungry yet she's lost her appetite... huh?

 

>Ukyo, who was thoroughly exhausted walked over to the couch and  
>flopped down on it creating a significant cloud of dust. Ranma  
>watched her for a couple seconds then followed suit.

Tom: Heh. That's what happens when you hire Lily Munster to be  
your maid.

 

>Ranma: So what are we going to do now Ucchan?  
>Ukyo: Now......were going to.......watch some TV.(she finished quickly)

Crow: Could've fooled me.

 

>With that Ukyo clicked the changer in her hand and the TV came to  
>life. Ranma appeared a little upset at first 

Joel: [Ranma] I will NOT love Raymond! Change the channel, NOW!

 

>but ended up cuddling up against Ukyo snuggling her head in the crook  
>of Ukyo's neck where she spent the next hour or so. 

Tom: *yawns* Sounds like a good idea about now. (Tom rests his head  
against Joel's shoulder.) Wake me up if anything interesting happens,  
okay?

Crow: Hey, does that mean I can take a nap too? (Crow starts leaning over  
to Joel's right shoulder)

Joel: Aw, come on, guys, don't you think you owe it to the reader to stay  
awake?

Bots: ZZZZZzzzzz...

Joel: Guess not.

 

>All the while Ukyo had a happy look on her face, no matter how the  
>night turned out she would always have the memories, and what  
>memories they were. 

Joel: (singing) Memories... like the corners of your mind...

(Tom and Crow are now sound asleep, much to Joel's dismay.)

Joel: Uh... er... Yeah, I'm sure she'll ALWAYS treasure her tortured  
memories of corrupting Ranma's emotions and scarring him for life!  
And... and why would she ever want to let go of the pain Ranma's  
artificially induced love inflicted on her heart? Such fond memories  
indeed! Heh heh... heh... (starts nudging Tom and Crow) Guys?  
Little help here, please?

 

>In the course of twenty-four hours she had lost her virginity, and lived  
>the perfect life with little doubt in her mind that she was loved every  
>step of the way........at least for a day.

Joel: See how much better life is when you're in total denial? 

(Tom and Crow continue to slumber peacefully)

Joel: And... uhh... sure, she could simply remind herself of her anger,  
misery and fear from a few hours ago but hey, why bother when she can  
thrive in blissful ignorance... kind of like my two lazy robot buddies  
here... (Joel shakes the bots a little harder) 

 

>They had been watching TV for well over an hour when some of the  
>late night programs started coming on. 

Joel: [Ranma] All right! Infomericals and Phone Sex Ads till dawn!  
WOO HOO!!!

Tom: (startled) H-Huh? Whassat? Oh, it's just Joel.

Crow: *yawns* Ahhh... nothing like a three minute nap to perk ya  
right up! So, is the fic over then?

Joel: Come on, guys, stay awake! (Joel gently pushes the bots off his  
shoulders and back into a sitting position.) We've still got a little way  
to go and I need your help here, okay?

Tom: ZZZZZzzzzz...

Joel: TOM!

Tom: (startled) Gah?! I'm awake! I'm awake! The answer is six! 

 

>Suffice it to say these programs were not targeted at children. 

Tom: *yawns* Oh, like the Lawrence Welk show?

 

>For some reason however Ukyo could not find the will to change the  
>channel

Crow: Who in their right mind could resist the whimsical charms of Mr.  
Popeil?

 

>so there they sat in silence watching well.....they were watching porn..... 

Crow: So Ukyo's cabin gets free Pay-Per-View too?

Joel: Either that or Showcase.

 

>They continued watching for some time before Ranma turned to Ukyo  
>and said one of the most unexpected things....

Crow: Red Baby Buggy Bumpers?

 

>Ranma: Ucchan, will you fuck me like a man would?

Tom: [Ranma] Quick, sloppy and snoring seconds afterwards?

Joel: [Ukyo] Nah, I'd rather talk to you... y'know, like lovers do?

 

>The only thing that shocked Ukyo more then the question was the  
>sincerity that Ranma had asked it with. She was so shocked 

Crow: Okay, who let the Pikachu in the cabin?

 

>that the only thing she could do was start to form sentences for a couple  
>minuets as her eyes grew round like saucers.  
>  
>Ukyo: Uh.....umm...uh...uhh....umm.....

Tom: She's contacting the mother ship!

 

>Ranma: Ucchan?

Crow: [Ukyo] Shut up! I'm like, totally meditating here! Ummm...  
uh uhh... ummm...

Joel: Ukyo the Loon? Yeah, that works.

 

>It appeared as though Ukyo was coming back to herself and she began  
>to focus in on the Red Head sitting before her.  
>  
>Ukyo: * First I'm on top in bed, next she wont do anything as a girl and  
>wants me to take the initiative. Now she wants me to 'fuck her like a man  
>would' I'm not a guy damn it I'm a girl. * (Ukyo gave out an exasperated  
>sigh)

Joel: [Ukyo] Men! Even when we kidnap you to do our sexual bidding,  
you're still all the SAME!!

Crow: Does the author REALLY expect us to sympathize with her at this  
point?

Tom: Well, considering the author's responsible for her actions in the first  
place, I have nothing but sympathy for poor Ukyo...

Crow: Good point.

 

>And how do you expect me to do that Ranchan.  
>  
>Ranma: With this!

Joel: [Ranma] A machine that goes Ping!

 

>With that said Ranma walked over to the table in the far corner of the  
>cabin close to the door. She returned with a fairly thick, long candle. 

Joel: Now how do you suppose Ranma knew *exactly* where to find  
that considering she's never been in this cabin before?

Tom: Pyromaniac's sense? How the hell should I know?

 

>Ukyo would have face-faulted if it were not for the fact that this was her  
>fianc'ee asking this of her. She couldn't even fathom doing such a thing  
>but Ranma was all ready to go.

Tom: And therein lies the root of many a problem in the bedroom.

Joel: That's deep, Tom.

 

>Going so far as to remove her boxers and start to stick the candle in her  
>dripping cunt. Ranma stopped putting it in when she seemed to come  
>to some obstruction. 

Tom: [Ranma] Aw, cripes! *honk* This always happens to me! *honk  
honk* Come on, move it! I've got a cherry to pop here! 

 

>The usual ever-present look of determination on Ranma's face returned  
>as she prepared to shove it in her to the hilt. This snapped Ukyo out of  
>her lull.  
>  
>Ukyo: Ranchan stop! 

Joel: [Ukyo] I need that candle for my next Thanksgiving dinner!

 

>* She cant do that, if she does she'll take her own virginity. *

Crow: [Ukyo] And I already called dibs, dammit!

 

>Ranma abruptly stopped what she was doing, she gave Ukyo a  
>questioning stare wondering what the hell was going on. Ukyo got up  
>and gently pulled the candle from Ranma's own pleasure box and looked  
>closely at the maroon candle. 

Crow: Funny, I don't remember seeing the term 'pleasure box' in any of  
the anatomy classes I ever took...

Joel: Crow, the only anatomy classes you ever stuck around for was the  
lecture on the physics of anime breasts!

Crow: True.

 

>It had never been burned and tapered off at one end and almost  
>completely tapered off at the opposite end, it definitely was an oddly  
>shaped candle 

Tom: [Ukyo] Strange... I have a sudden craving for pretzels.

 

>and for a moment she just had to wonder what on earth possessed her  
>to buy such a thing.

Tom: Then the moment passed and she knew it had been the wisest  
investment she'd made in years.

 

>Her thoughts however were once again brought back to Ranma as the  
>emotionally charged girl tried to wrestle the candle from Ukyo's clutches.

Crow: [Sports Announcer] Live from a isolated cabin somewhere in the  
mountains of Japan, it's the BATTLE OF THE NUDE FOOTBALL  
LESBIANS!!!

Tom: With 'Capture the Candle' rules?

Crow: You got it, sparky! Let the mayhem begin!

 

>Ukyo: Ranchan you cant take your own virginity I will not allow it!  
>  
>Ranma: I'll take it if I want to and no one can stop me!

Joel: [Ranma, singing] It's my hymen and I'll take it if I want to!

 

>Ukyo smacked her hand to her head as she realized how absurd their  
>current conversation was, what a thing to argue over. She looked at  
>the smug look on Ranma's face, and wounded what the hell was going  
>through her mind,

Tom: Wounded?

Joel: Good, maybe if she puts whatever the hell is going through her  
mind *completely* out of its misery, she'll return to normal.

 

>obviously the potion was wearing off but she thought it would wear off  
>all at once not slowly over time like this.

Joel: ...awkward sentence.

Crow: I would think it would be in Ukyo's best interests to NOT wear off  
all at once.

 

>On one side of Ukyo's mind she wanted ever so badly to take Ranma's  
>virginity as a girl. 

Joel: I'm still confused as to the motivation here. Does Ukyo want to  
deflower Ranma's female side for revenge or lust?

 

>Hours earlier Ranma had savagely torn though hers, she could look at  
>it as payback. And was she not seeking Ranma's virginity hours earlier  
>for herself, didn't she deserve it?

All: NO.

 

>And here was Ranma giving herself to Ukyo.........but on the other side  
>of her mind she kept hearing....

Joel: Pink Floyd?

Crow: Pet Shop Boys?

Tom: Damien Demento?

 

>this is wrong.....this is wrong.....like a broken record she was so confused.  
>  
>Ranma: That's it I'm ending this now. 

All: YAY!!!

Joel: Let's go, guys! 

(Joel picks up Tom as Crow rises from his seat)

 

>I'm going to break my hymen and there is nothing at all you can do  
>about it.

All: Awww...

(Everyone resumes their seats)

 

>Ukyo: If anyone if going to do that I am! * Didn't mean for it to come  
>out that loud, oh well *

Tom: [Ukyo] Boy, all these little chats between me and myself have  
really helped me understand Ukyo better. *I know, isn't it wonderful to  
be able to talk to me like I'm my own best friend?* Boy, I said it! *I  
sure did!*

 

>Ranma: Ucchan?

Joel: I'd be calling her something else at this point.

Crow: Sybil comes to mind.

 

>Ukyo: Ranchan I think that it is my duty, scratch that, my responsibility  
>to take your virginity.

Tom: [Ranma] No way! I'm still playing with it!

Crow: [Ukyo] Come on, give it! Please? I'll be your friend!

Tom: [Ranma] No! It's my virginity! Mine! mine! mine!

Crow: [Ukyo] Mommmm!! Make Ranma share his virginity with me!

 

>Ranma: Ucchan.....

Crow: [Ukyo] Can't you say anything else but Ucchan?!?

Joel: [Ranma] Umm, it's all my fault and I apologize?

Crow: [Ukyo] ARRRRRRRGH!!!

 

>Ranma's eyes began to gather tears as she shot foreword and enveloped  
>her oldest friend in a hug. Ukyo separated herself from Ranma and began  
>to mentally prepare herself for the coming task. 

Tom: [Ukyo, singing] I've got the touch... I've got the power... YEAH!!!

 

>Surprisingly as she began to strip off her clothes she found herself more  
>then a little excited. 

Crow: Oh yeah, BIG surprise there. 

 

>After carefully probing her womanhood with a finger she began to insert  
>the candle. 

Tom: Let's see... cunt, pleasure box and womanhood... what do YOU,  
the reader, think the next metaphor for Ukyo's private parts will be?

 

>She was a little sore from the previous night but she knew from her  
>previous experience the pain would soon be gone.  
>  
>She grimaced as the final inch or two went in before it was as deep as  
>it would go. A full eight inches still protruded from Ukyo's love tunnel  
>that ended with a flat nub which was the base of the candle around a  
>half an inch in diameter.

Tom: Ding ding ding! Love tunnel! We have a winner!

Crow: I'm almost afraid to ask... how long exactly is that candle?

Joel: Hey, he's given us the exact engineering dimensions of it... what  
more do you want?

 

>Ukyo approached Ranma walking seductively as she could with a  
>candle over a foot in her.

Joel: In other words, not all that seductively.

Tom: [Ranma] *snicker* Oh no! You look hot! Really! *snicker*

 

>Ranma just laid on the round carpet in the middle of the floor, he boxers  
>had long since been tossed away but she was still wearing a t-shit that  
>was at least a size to small.

Crow: [Ranma] Damn t-shits always shrinking in the wash! Geez!

 

>Ukyo: Ranchan, are you sure that you want this? 

Tom: [Ranma] Well, now that you mention it...

Joel: [Ukyo] Too bad! You're doing it anyway! Mwahahahaha!!!

 

>* I also want to know why you want to do this, oh Ranma honey you  
>were never like this before. Its all that potion's fault, I'm sorry  
>Ranchan.....please forgive me if you regret this later. *

Crow: [Ukyo] And please forgive me for the seven or eight times after  
that as well! After all, I'm only horney... I mean, human!

 

>Ranma: Yes....yes I do want this Ukyo. I've wanted something like this  
>for a long time I have just been.....I've been......I've been afraid damn it,  
>there I said it. 

Crow: (chuckles) What is this? 'Rocky III' now?

 

>Ukyo: * Could she have really wanted this before the potion? * 

Joel: [Ukyo] Of course he did! He loves me! *Then why was he  
kissing Akane behind the school?* Um... um... maybe he was just  
kissing her good-bye? *Of course! Why didn't I think of that earlier?!  
We're a genius!*

 

>Ok, Ranma honey, here I come.

Tom: Ready or not.

Crow: I'd say not.

 

>She entered Ranma slowly creating so much pleasure for Ranma that  
>she squealed in delight, writhing under Ukyo's ministrations.

Crow: [Ukyo] I want you to squeal like a pig, Ranma! 

Joel: (winces) Crow, please...

 

>When fully buried within Ranma, Ukyo simply laid atop the redhead  
>for a moment, enjoying the feeling of them being connected in such a  
>way.

Tom: (singing) Wax will keep us together... Yes, wax will keep us  
together...

Crow: Wait a minute, Ukyo isn't using a strap-on here! If they really are...  
um... *sharing* a candle, should it be impossible for Ukyo to lie on top of  
Ranma without breaking something?

Joel: (blushing) Um, let's just suspend disbelief this time, okay?

 

>Finally Ukyo resumed her movement, pistoning in and out slowly at first  
>but picking up pace. As Ukyo fucked Ranma the redhead's jiggling orbs  
>on her chest began to swirl in circles and bounce up and down with each  
>thrust. 

Crow: [Ranma] Thank you, Gainax, for making breasts like mine possible!

 

>Finally the temptation was to much for Ukyo and she moved her hands  
>from their stationary position to squeeze them. 

Tom: Squeeze them gently.

Crow: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAH!!!

Joel: [Jim Carrey] I think they're trying to communicate.

 

>Ranma cried out once more in delight before moving her own hands up  
>to return the favor. 

Crow: [Bud Bundy] Honk Honk!

 

>Sweat began to amass upon her brow as the strains of love making began  
>to exact their tolls, but Ukyo could not feel her muscles aching, her lungs  
>screaming for oxygen, 

Tom: ...her bladder begging for a bathroom break.

 

>the only thing that she could feel was the intense pleasure filling her  
>body and it was getting more and more intense.

Joel: Ranma, on the other hand, had already finished and was smoking a  
cigarette while reading a copy of TV Guide.

 

>None of her other orgasms were like this, none even close to this intensity. 

Tom: Y'know what? I'm just not convinced that it was that intense. The  
author has yet to convince me of the overall intensity of Ukyo's orgasm to  
my satisfaction. And until he does, I simply refuse to believe that this  
particular orgasm was any more intense than her previous ones. I'm sorry,  
but that's the way I feel about it.

Joel: Good for you, Tom.

 

>It was as if she was riding a crimson hot wave of lava and all she could  
>feel is the beautiful heat, as if she had entered another world, a world of  
>pleasure. Its safe to say she didn't last long, soon after her eyes began to  
>glaze over the pleasure doubled, tripled, then in a massive culmination  
>all the feelings she had were pushed though her with such intensity that  
>she felt she might have died from the sheer power of it. 

Tom: Nope, I'm still not convinced. Keep trying.

Crow: I don't suppose the phrase "Show, don't tell" means anything to  
this author?

 

>Ranma too was coming to climax due in part to Ukyo's chaotic writhing  
>as she achieved her all to awe inspiring goal. In one voice the two of  
>them screamed out to the world in pure pleasure, an earth shattering  
>cry so primal its force could not be denied. 

Tom: D'OH!! OKAY, OKAY! I BELIEVE YOU!! IT WAS INTENSE!  
INCREDIBLY INTENSE!! THE MOST INTENSE ORGASM I'VE  
EVER SEEN IN FANFICTION!!! OKAY?!? YOU'VE CONVINCED  
THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!? ARE YOU??!?

(Tom's bubblehead starts to glow as brightly as a welder's torch, steam  
hissing from all parts of his body. Joel reacts quickly by reaching under  
his seat and bringing out a fire extinguisher. He unleashes a sustained  
blast of carbon dioxide until Tom is sufficiently cooled down.)

Tom: (coughing) T-Thanks... I needed that.

Joel: Anytime, little buddy. 

 

>They both promptly collapsed from the force of it. Ukyo falling atop  
>Ranma, the candle still between their legs as testimony to what they  
>had just done.

Crow: Maybe it's a bendy candle?

Joel: What, like straws?

Crow: Hey, they've got squeeze mayonnaise now. Anything is possible!

 

>The light of dawn came as a pleasant surprise for Ukyo. She half  
>expected to be emotionally or mentally shattered by now.

Joel: After all, let's not forget that *Ukyo* is the REAL victim here.

 

>Apparently Ranma was still asleep so she had some time before all she  
>had done was revealed. 

Crow: [Ukyo] The culmination of my master plan is close at hand!  
Mwahahahaha!!

 

>Even though it might cost her life she decided to spend any remaining  
>time she had doing what she loved to do most.....

Tom: Cook okonomiyaki?

 

>be in Ranma's company. 

Crow: [Ukyo] I wanna be CEO and I *insist* on stock options!

 

>She snuggled up to her sleeping form, draping her arm over her firm  
>breasts in the process. Truth be told it didn't bother Ukyo that Ranma  
>was in girl from at all anymore if it did to begin with. 

Tom: WHAT?!? Then what the hell was with that whole 'I don't wanna  
make love to Ranma as a girl!' internal conflict earlier in the fic?!? Are  
we supposed to pretend that never happened now?!?

Crow: Lesbianism in... just about a day.

Joel: The Ellen Degeneres Way!

 

>Attempting to position herself in a better position gave her the revelation  
>that the improvised dildo was still within her. Shrugging her shoulders  
>she backed up her rear and removed herself from Ranma. She looked at  
>the long, pink, protruding member.

Tom: Pink? I thought it was a *maroon* candle!

Crow: Geez, how many things does she have up there anyway?

 

>Ukyo: * Wow.....that's sort of a turn on. I wonder what it feels like to  
>touch it......Ohhhh .......doesn't feel half bad......better take it out any  
>way......*

Tom: Joel... why is Ukyo acting like she's never tried the candle before?  
I mean, she DID use it with Ranma yesterday, didn't she?

Joel: I think Ranma may not be the only one with an amnesia problem.

 

>She started pulling out the lengthy tool, slowly, savoring the pleasure  
>it brought her, and the strange empty feeling it left from being in for  
>so long. Nearly a foot of the massive candle was within her and when  
>it was completely out she felt oddly cold inside.

Tom: [Minnesotan] Yah, that kinda weather'll take ya by surprise,  
all right.

 

>She laid the candle down on the ground away from her and mashed  
>herself up against Ranma once again, inadvertently grinding their  
>pussies and chests together. She relished in the sensation but refused  
>to continue, she had taken advantage of Ranma enough times.

Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen... The understatement of the Millennium.

 

>Realizing that she might not get another chance and despite her previous  
>thoughts she took the opportunity to kiss Ranma, possibly for their last  
>time.

Tom: D'oh!

Crow: Wow! She resisted temptation for almost three seconds!

 

>She kissed her on the lips and gradually deepened it. Her tongue slowly  
>parting them and entering into her hot mouth, going over every inch of  
>her gum line......slowly......

Crow: Oh, gross! She's licking all the tartar off!

Tom: Eaaaauugh!

Joel: (turning green) Uh-oh...shouldn't have had that tuna for lunch...

 

>pushing apart her clenched teeth and going under her tongue and over  
>it......going so far as to touch the end of Ranma's tonsils......as if she was  
>molesting her mouth. 

Tom: Oh, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for spelling that out for us!

Crow: I like lesbian kisses as much as the next guy but this is just  
grotesque...

Joel: (struggling to retain his lunch) Urp... shouldn't have had that  
leftover Easter cake for dessert either... mmph...

 

>Eventually and ever so reluctantly she pulled away, a thin string of  
>saliva connecting the two until Ukyo was out of reach and it snapped,  
>and was pulled by gravity to splash thickly on Ranma's oversized bosom.

Joel: Ohnoohnoohnoohno... (Joel frantically reaches behind his chair  
and brings out an airsick bag. He barely has time to open it up before  
he starts using it.)

Tom: Oh man! Joel's chunking!

Crow: I don't blame him... that was about the most disgusting kissing  
scene I've ever seen.

Tom: Worse than the kiss between Persis Khambatta and the Paper  
Chase guy?

Crow: ...okay, the most disgusting in fanfiction.

Tom: You okay, Joel?

Joel: (coughing) Yeah... just peachy.

 

>Her expression changed to sadness as she realized what must be done. 

Joel: If it's another tongue bath to the teeth, I'm LEAVING!

 

>With a courage she didn't even know that she had, she reached out  
>and shook Ranma's sleeping form. It took a moment but one heavy  
>shake seemed to be enough and Ranma was already grudgingly  
>stretching the sleep from her body. 

Tom: [Ranma, yawning] Man, I feel like I've been asleep for days!  
And what's with all this waxy buildup?

 

>Ukyo waited apprehensively as she watched Ranma. 

Joel: I guess this is it. Will Ukyo get what she deserves?

Crow: Maybe if a Chicken Cannon is put into play.

Tom: Heh. I doubt it.

 

>But it was all for not, the smile and loving look in Ranma's eyes made  
>her worries melt away. Her face stayed serious for one moment more  
>before asking of Ranma just one question.  
>  
>Ukyo: Ranma.....I know that this may sound like a strange  
>question....but.....do you love me? .....Please just tell me the truth.....

(Joel and the bots edge forward in their seats.)

 

>Utter conviction was the driving force in Ukyo's voice her seriousness  
>not dulled one drop by the undertones of sadness it displayed. She bit  
>into her lip lightly as she stared at Ranma awaiting an answer.

(Joel and the bots cranes their necks towards the fanfic.)

 

>The normal look of worry and unclarity that plagued Ranma's features  
>was strangely absent, instead, replaced by a look of acceptance and  
>happiness that even caused Ukyo to smile a little. He took a long look  
>at Ukyo.

(Joel and the bots opens their mouths in expectation.)

 

>Ranma: With all of my heart....

(Joel and the bots freeze. Solid. A low gurgle begins to form in the pit  
of their chests, sloooooowly rising up their throats until it finally reaches  
their mouths.

All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

>Ukyo: You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say that.....

Crow: There. Is. No. God.

Joel: [Ukyo] After all, love means nothing if it doesn't come from the  
heart!

Tom: ...

 

>Ukyo allowed her heart to rest for the first time in what felt like months.  
>Everything had been so hectic in her life, nothing going her way. But  
>now she had the only thing she wanted more then anything else in the  
>world......the love of her fianc'ee. 

Joel: And all it cost her was her soul. But hey, no biggie, right?

Crow: [Devil] Yes! Score one for the dark side! Woo hoo!

Tom: ...

 

>She hugged Ranma tightly, now she could finally let go of her past, and  
>get on with the future. A future that she thought impossible till now, a  
>future of love.

Crow: ...and a future of lies and a future of deceit and a future of  
falsehoods, not to mention a future of misrepresentations, fantasies,  
fallacies, untruths, fibs, falsifications and outright EVIL!  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!

Joel: Easy, Crow. Don't blow a gasket. Try and stay calm like Tommy  
here, right Tom...? Tom?

(Joel gently nudges Tom and without a word he tumbles to the  
theater floor, motionless.)

Joel: Tom!!

(Joel quickly reaches down and picks up the prone droid, cradling him in  
his arms.)

Joel: Tommy, can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?

Crow: Oh no! What's wrong with him, Joel?

Joel: (examining Tom) I'm not sure... He didn't blow his top but he's not  
responding... Maybe he just needs some fresh air... Can you handle the  
riffing for a minute while I try to revive him?

Crow: No problem, I got ya covered. 

(Joel carries Tom off-camera to the right towards the air grate near the  
entrance of the theater.)

 

>The End?

Crow: No, the beginning. Everything we just read was a prologue.  
(realizes what he just said) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

>************************

Crow: Boy, I wish those were ninja stars... so I could CHUCK them at  
the putz who wrote this stupid story! 

Joel: (off-camera) Hey, if you going to chuck stars anywhere, chuck  
em at Dr. F. He's the one that keeps SENDING us these things!

 

>Wow! My longest fanfic till now! Not one of my best works but my  
>longest.

Crow: Is there a rabbi in the house? Have I got a circumcision for YOU!

(Joel walks back into the theater with Tom and takes his seat.)

Crow: So, how's the little shrimp doing?

Joel: Well, his circuits are cooled down now and I'm about to reboot his  
software. (Joel flips a switch on Servo's base) There! That ought to do  
the trick!

Tom: HaPPy BiRtHdAY! I aM ThOMas sERVo, a rObOT wItH nO fEEt  
anD uSeLeSs aRms. I aM PrO*zzap*gramed to sing over six million show  
tunes while amusing all with my sparkling wit, dry humor and... w-whoa...  
what the heck happened to me? 

Crow: You fainted like a fembot from the experiment.

Tom: Gee, I must have blacked out there and... Hey! Who are you calling  
a fembot, Pinbeak!

Crow: I'm calling YOU a fembot, gumballs for brains!

Tom: Why I oughta...! (Tom struggles to hover over towards Crow but  
is held back by Joel.) Let me at em! 

Joel: (chuckling) Nice to have things back to normal around here. 

 

>You can e-mail me at RVincent@aol.com with questions, comments,  
>and criticism.

Tom: I'll take questions. *ahem* Question 1: How the hell did Ranma  
escape from being chained to the bed? Question 2: Why were Ukyo's  
motives never clear, shifting from vengeance to love, back and forth  
again? Question 3: What the HELL was the deal with Ranma killing  
that bear in the woods? Question 4: What exactly WAS Ukyo supposed  
to have gotten that she deserved? Question 5: The molesting French kiss  
sequence...WHY?!?

Joel: Uh, maybe I'd better take it from here with comments... The story  
itself had some spelling and grammar errors but all in all, it wasn't too  
bad for a first effort. The plot itself had some good possibilities, which I  
mentioned earlier in the fic, but assuming Ranma was too drugged out of  
his mind to be in character... by letting Ukyo win Ranma's love without  
suffering any consequences for her actions you're keeping her from learning  
anything and hence failing your obvious goal of making her sympathetic.

Tom: Yeah, maybe the story would have been more effective if this were  
a darkfic shown from the viewpoint of a *quite* insane and desperate  
Ukyo. That way some of the more odd events in the fic could be better  
explained... like the repeated insistence that Ranma and Ukyo were  
achieving an orgasm like no other... the constant paranoia within Ukyo's  
own thoughts... why Ranma seemed to go along with her at every turn  
when it didn't seem plausible at all... etc, etc. Any other thoughts, Crow?

Crow: Uh, yeah. Well, I guess my first criticism that hasn't been  
mentioned already is the whole mood of the story in general. All those  
fancy camera tricks and ominous backgrounds never really amounted to  
anything. And what happened to the whole Nerima contingent? Did  
they fall off the face of the earth? And for that matter, Ukyo's rather  
insane motivation that turns out to have no basis because Ranma loves  
her now, but it must have had basis to begin with because it was the  
reason Ukyo snapped. And then we have the most important question  
of all...

Joel: Okay, I'll bite... what is it?

Crow: Who do you suppose is going to be the man in this relationship?

 

>As for the fanfic itself, the potion did wear off but it left Ranma in love  
>with Ukyo. It probably wasn't fair to make Ukyo give Ranma a potion to  
>make him love her, but oh well. 

Tom: [author] Shit happens. Deal with it, gentle readers.

Joel: [author] And don't forget, if you want to contrive plots, make  
them up yourselves!

 

>She just wanted to get one night with him and the potion turned it to  
>love. He could have loved her in his heart of hearts anyway, at least I  
>think so.

Crow: Even after everything she did to him in THIS story? I dunno, that  
might be pushing it *juuuuuust* a little bit...

 

>Once again thank you for reading, you can find other fanfics by me at  
>http://meltingpot.fortunecity.com/brodie/735/fanfic.html that's it for now.

Joel: Oh good, it's finally over, guys.

Crow: Woo hoo! Time to blow this corn dog stand!

Tom: (singing) Happy days are here again...!

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

 

* * *

THEATER OF LOVE

The audience murmured among themselves as they sat in their  
rickety seats, waiting for the show to begin. The Holocabana had been  
converted into an old Vaudeville style theater, complete with thick  
velvet curtains and a Ragtime Band in the orchestra pit. On the right  
side of the stage was a roller piano while on the left side of the stage,  
there was a large poster set upon a easel with the caption:

'UKYO'S RHAPSODY' 

Suddenly, the lights in the theater dimmed and the audience  
applauded as the curtain shifted around and a shape could be seen trying  
to push its way through. After a minute or so, Tom finally emerged from  
the center of the curtains, hovering unsteadily.

"G-Geez... No wonder Guy Smiley has so much trouble doing  
that!" Tom gasped as he quickly gathered himself to address the audience  
in a more dignified manner. "Good evening, ladies and germs! Heh  
heh... little joke there... Crow wrote that, actually..." Tom cleared his  
throat before continuing. "Tonight, The Satellite of Love is proud to  
present a special one-act play that sums up our feelings about the fanfic  
we were just forced to read... 'Ukyo Gets What She Deserves'."

"As we see it, sure, it would be easy to blame Ukyo since she  
did all the evil things to Ranma in this fanfic. But before we start  
warming up the tar and feathers, let's not forget the fact that Ukyo is  
only as evil as the *author* decides she should be. Therefore, we  
ultimately agreed... well actually, we decided with a coin flip and I  
won the best of seven... that Ukyo should be allowed to get what  
she truly deserves... Poignant yet goofy revenge!"

"So, without further ado, let's put our hands together for  
'Ukyo's Rhapsody!' Tom exclaimed as he hovers over to the piano  
and sits on the stool while the audience applauds.

(The curtains open to reveal the bedroom area of Ukyo's cabin, with Joel  
chained to the bed while dressed in Ranma's usual clothes. Joel whines  
like a puppy as a holographic Ukyo sits on the edge of the bed in a  
Rodin's Thinker pose, dressed in her usual okonomiyaki seller's outfit,  
with shorts of course.)

(Another spotlight shines on the catwalk above the stage to illuminate a  
sinister figure. It is Crow dressed as Snidley Whiplash, complete with a  
cheesy mustache and a top hat with a big sticker that reads 'Hello! My  
name is 'AUTHOR'. He is holding puppeteer control sticks and is  
dangling them over Ukyo, chuckling evilly. As the stage lights brighten,  
Ukyo slowly lifts her chin and began to sing.)

[Sung to the tune of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Freddie Mercury.]

Ukyo: Is this the real me?  
Or just some fantasy?  
Caught in a fanfic.  
An escape from reality.

(Ukyo slowly stands up and walks to center stage, closing her eyes as  
Tom pretends to play the player piano.)

Ukyo: I'll close my eyes... Look into myself and see,  
I'm not a poor girl... I want no sympathy,  
I'm not a easy come, easy go, Little mad, really low

(Ukyo stomps her foot and turns her back on the helpless Joel. She  
folds her arms across her chest, looking cross.)

Ukyo: Anyway this fic blows Ranma doesn't matter to me, to me!

(Ukyo walks back to Joel's side, scowling at him.)

Ukyo: Ranma... you're not a man,  
Pumped some drugs into your head,  
Then I chained you to my bed.

(Ukyo turns away, holding a fist up in the air.)

Ukyo: Ranma... I've only just begun,  
My honor and pride, I've thrown it all away.

(Ukyo turns back to Joel, tears in her eyes.)

Ukyo: Ranma... *sooooobbbb*, Didn't mean to make you cry,  
I'll have you back in Nerima this time tomorrow...  
If I'm wrong, well so long, not like your feelings really matter...

(Ukyo quickly wipes her tears away, trying to be nonchalant.) 

Ukyo: It's late... your time has come,  
I sent shivers up your spine, body's aching for good times.  
Good-bye, to my ethics, They've got to go,  
G-Got no time to think and see... the truth!

(Ukyo breaks down again and kneels at Joel's bedside, grasping  
his hand.)

Ukyo: Ranma, *soooobbbbb*, I don't want to lie!  
I really wish I'd never drugged you at all!

(Crow suddenly looks concerned as he frantically manipulates the  
puppeteer control sticks. Ukyo suddenly leaps to her feet and begins  
wandering around in a jerky motion as Joel suddenly bolts upright in the  
bed, looks at Ukyo and exclaims.)

Joel: I see a little glim-mer of the girl we know!

(Crow glares down at him from the catwalk and protests.)

Crow: It's a lie! It's a lie! She hates her fi-an-cee!

(Joel looks towards the audience and whispers aside.)

Joel: Des-per-ation can be very, very, fright'ning, ne?

(Ukyo clutches her head in pain.)

Ukyo: (Do I love him?) No, you hate him. (Yes, I hate him!) No, you  
love him. (Why can't I make up my mind?!? Am I loco-o-o-o-o?)

(Ukyo reels backwards and collapses on her butt, looking depressed.) 

Ukyo: I'm just a psy-cho, Ran-ma won't love me!

(Joel gestures at Ukyo while appealing to the audience.)

Joel: She's not a psy-cho, it's not her fault, you see!  
Spare her as this fanfic made her OOC!

(Joel then looks up at Crow and appeals to him.)

Joel: Fic is done, Pain will go, Please Author, let her go

(Crow whirls his cape around him dramatically, sneering down at him.)

Crow: You're crazy! No, I will not let her go! 

Joel: Let her go!

Crow: You're crazy! I will not let her go! 

Joel: Let her go!

Crow: You're crazy! I will not let her go! 

(Ukyo slowly rises to her feet, a look of astonishment on her face.)

Ukyo: Let me go?

Crow: Will not let her go. 

(Ukyo suddenly looks up at Crow and glares at him.)

Ukyo: Let me go!

Crow: Will not let her go. 

Ukyo: LET ME GO!!!

(Ukyo grabs the space above her head and yanks down hard. Crow cries  
out in surprise as he is yanked over the catwalk railing and plummets  
down to the stage with a crash. Ukyo then pulls out her big ass spatula,  
twirls it for a moment and then brings the flat end down on Crow  
repeatedly. Satisfied, Ukyo drops the now bent spatula on the stage and  
then takes a good look around the stage. When she sees Ranma, she is  
horrified.) 

Ukyo: Oh my goodness! Oh, dear god! look at what you made me do!  
The Author had a devil put inside of me, of me, of meeeeeee...!!

(Suddenly a huge cloud of smoke envelops the entire stage. When it clears,  
the vaudeville theater has transformed into a modern rock concert stage,  
complete with wild screaming rock fans. Joel, Tom, and Crow are dressed  
in generic 70's rocker clothes, Crow and Joel begin playing electric guitar  
while Tom plays the drums. Ukyo now sports a black leather vest over her  
clothes, identical to the one worn by Stone Cold Steve Austin as she steps  
up to the microphone and sings.)

Ukyo: So, you think you can change me and make me look bad?!?

(Ukyo gestures at Joel, forgetting he is no longer dressed like Ranma.)

Ukyo: So you think you can change him and think I'll be glad?!?

(Ukyo grabs a startled Crow by his lapels.)

Ukyo: Heyyyyy, jack-ass! Don't do that to me, jack-ass!  
I may not be a saint... but I de-serve better than that!

(Before Crow can say anything, Ukyo drops him with the Stone Cold  
Stunner to a standing ovation while Tom and Joel continue to wail.  
Then, as the song winds down...)

Ukyo: Characterization matters, Anyone can see,  
Characterization matters, characterization matters... to me.

(As the final notes of the song are played, Crow manages to struggle to  
his feet, and joins everyone as they all croon softly...)

All: Either way, this fanfic blows...

(The crowd's cheers are deafening as Joel, Crow, Tom and Ukyo all join  
hands and bow to the audience as the curtain closes. Then the theater  
fades away to reveal the familiar balsa wood walls of the Holocabana.)

"That was great, guys! Good job!" Joel smiled.

"Yeah! Thanks a lot for standing up for me!" Ukyo exclaimed  
happily, giving Joel and the bots a hug.

"Aw, shucks, it weren't nuthin, ma'am." Crow replied in his  
best western drawl.

"Anything... for a lady." Tom replied in his best Barry White  
impression, which was mediocre at best.

Suddenly the lights in the room began to flash red. "Oops, looks  
like Statler and Waldorf are calling. I wonder how they liked it?" Joel  
wondered. 

* * *

DEEP 13

Dr. Forrester and Frank each held a small sign with a thumbs  
up symbol, which they quickly flipped upside down. Then they used  
their other hand to pull down their eyelid while sticking their tongues  
out at the viewscreen for a long moment.

"It stinks!" They added in unison before simultaneously  
pushing the button.

 

...AND THE MSTINGS  
CONTINUE...

 

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.  
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST)

Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/

You can also find our Let's Plays of AGS Adventure Games 'The  
Medical Theories of Dr. Kur', 'Witch Night' and coming soon, our Let's Play  
of 'Les Manley: Search for the King', along with a few other videos at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

I've been MSTing for almost twenty years now and I want to thank  
each and every person who's send me words of support and  
encouragement and who have helped me throughout the years. I  
treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great  
honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and  
tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you,  
thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to  
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)

I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose  
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I also want to thank  
Fido for helping me with some of the lyrics on the parody, as well as  
Lynxara and Flashman for helping with the IRC parody a while back. 

Also, I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C  
and riffs for this MSTing are always appreciated and for making  
the MSTing process so much fun! :)

\- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema 3001' series can be found at  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/  
including his latest MSTings:

\- 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2)  
And  
\- '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' Pt. 1-3 (Sailor Moon)

Other recent MSTings we've done:  
\- '12 Months and a Year' (Street Fighter)  
\- 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon)  
\- 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2)  
\- 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF)  
(Sailor Moon)  
\- 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon)  
\- 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin)  
\- 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena)  
\- 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi Crossover)  
\- 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)  
\- 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon)  
\- 'My Kid's An Alien!" Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)  
\- 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Multi Crossover)

 

Finally I'd like to thank RVincent for writing 'Ukyo Gets What She Deserves'  
and giving me his approval for the MSTing it as well as a lot of material to  
work with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :)

 

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've  
contributed to can be found in the various categories at:***

'A MSTing for All Seasons'  
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

'The MSTing Mine'  
http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/

'Everything What Is Crap!'  
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

 

">Ukyo: Ranchan you cant take your own virginity I will not allow it!  
>  
>Ranma: I'll take it if I want to and no one can stop me!"

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations  
are trademarks of and (c) 2000, 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights  
reserved.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


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